center of the universe

i had a vision. i did not seek it; it sought me.

it was as if i zoomed out and above my body. i looked down on myself. above my head was a large nebulous ball of violet/white/pink light. i acknowledged it as my crown chakra. around my crown chakra, the universe circled and twirled around it.

and with the image, came the understanding and wisdom. it has taken me a week or so to find the words to describe, for words seem a pathetic means of this extraordinary understanding. even now, i am not satisfied with them for they pale in comparison.

your crown chakra is where you find nothingness. it is pure consciousness. pure divinity. absolute being. it is neither here nor there. timeless, spaceless. absolute freedom. the universe that circles this center of absolute being is Chaos. it is where time and space reside, where dualities exist and dance, where our earthly existence develops. it is the storm, and the crown chakra is the eye of the same storm. however, this Chaos is not the opposite of absolute being, because absolute being has no opposite in itself. it is just as it is.

as we live and grow, we are part of this amazing, chaotic storm. we experience and ride all sorts of waves. we are born, we age, we die, we are reborn. it is natural and inescapable. in our powerlessness over birth and death, we seek to plant roots and develop stability. things we can control. and we find that we fail everytime. Eris knows no roots.

if we are able to step into our crown chakras, our christ consciousness, we find ourselves out of the storm. we are taken to a place where we are nothing. where time and space are replaced with blissful emptiness. to connect yourselves with this state of being and establishing an understanding, you can, in essence, attach an etheric rope that holds you to your state of pure being. you can jump back into the twirling Chaos, filled with the inner peace of knowing you can pull yourself into your christ consciousness at anytime you wish. you realize there is no reason to be frantic. no reason to panic. no need to control everything you can. you can play in the storm and ride the waves, knowing that divinity and peace is always within your reach and within yourself.

experiencing this makes it obvious to me that the center of the universe is my crown chakra. and your crown chakra. everyone's crown chakras. and not just metaphorically, but literally also. if the entire universe orbits around this massive center of pure being, and our crown chakras are our very real connection to that pure being, then a=b. you cannot argue with semantics, i.e. (how can both of our crown chakras BOTH be the single center of the universe?), because absolute being is timeless and spaceless. it cannot be bothered with restrictions and bindings. the absolute being of my crown is also yours. we are one. we are all connected in that way. we are all connected by our divine consciousness.

it is a very powerful thing.

experiencing God

Carl Jung described himself as having two personalities. His No 1 personality was his rational self; his scientific fact driven mind, his ability to function and progress within society. His No 2 personality was his sacred self; the part of him that felt direct experience with God when he was alone and unafraid of the consequences of such experience. With his No 2, he always felt he had a secret to keep. The secret of experiencing God in such a direct manner. There are so few who experience God in this way, and both myself and Jung have found that God cannot be experienced like this in church. That observation brings with it a wave of shame, however, coming from a Christian home with Christian values and dogma burned in the mind. Jung's difficulties with his sacred self have actually become a small comfort to me as I integrate my own sacred self. 

Friday night, I dreamt Alex and I were walking up a staircase, and we met a woman who was walking down it. She looked straight through my soul, and was complaining that she couldn't breathe. At the bottom, she fell. She went limp, but around her body was a vibrant blue light, with a white streak through her chest, and red and purple at the edges of the blue. I was freaking out.. I wondered if she was going through a healing, and then I wondered if I was the one doing it. 

Saturday morning, Erika called. Her friend Michelle was in the hospital, comatose and close to death. Her lungs had filled from a bad case of pneumonia, and she acquired some sort of lung disease on top of that. It wasn't getting better. She asked if I could help. I readily agreed and met up with her a few hours later. We got to the hospital, where Erika explained to the nurses that I was a healer. I had to put on a mask before I went in the room, and when I entered, I was immediately intimidated and slightly terrified. Michelle was strapped sideways to a mechanical bed, completely out, tubes going and coming everywhere. Alas, it seemed to be the same woman from the dream. I proceeded to do a session on her, as 6 or 7 waves of strong energy came through me. The heat was incredible. I used the color techniques the dream had shown me. Michelle was resigned inside herself.. she was not fighting. I energetically encouraged her to fight and to hold on and told her that her life was in her own hands as well. 

Afterwards, I was exhausted and dizzy. Erika told me that during the session, her oxygen levels had spiked from 86 to 95. I left feeling small. So small. I cried the whole way home, overwhelmed by the prospect of having this kind of impact on someone's actual life. Two hours later, Erika called and told me Michelle's vitals had stabilized and she was nearly off the ventilator. Erika and Michelle's husband were extremely grateful to me, and instead of giving me more confidence in my abilities, it just made me feel smaller in this world. In a good way though, I think. Humbler. The power of God is a mighty thing. 

walking without crutches

i came into this world with depression. 

my earliest, and one of the few, memories i have is still tainted by a melancholy i couldn't even begin to name at the time. then there are pieces missing. large years of pieces of memories i have no recollection of. maybe alex was right. maybe nothing happened in those years. just years of the same nothingness. 

i don't remember being a kid. maybe because i never really was. i didn't ever get that sense of carelessness- that freedom. i didn't really get play. maybe that's why i have such a desire to play now. even so, i can still feel my body locking up, putting up its guards automatically, whenever there is play around me. 

i wonder what could have happened in my previous life that is has caused me to be so heavily weighed down by it that sadness has been the only constant in my changing life. what is the burden i've forced myself to bear?

i had never felt real happiness or real peace until my awakening this year. ever. i would like to say that i exaggerate, but i don't. the silent agony had always been my companion. the only thing i could count on. and now, i have been fighting a conscious battle not to allow the sadness to comfort me as i use to allow it. 

i will not use the melancholy as a crutch. 

it's strange how my inner landscape has changed. it had been a barren place of black and dark grays splashed with red. it was a place carved in dark stone and layered in fog, magical somehow. a little beautiful in its dark power. i was attracted to it in my loneliness. i felt dark and powerful. now, my inner landscape has been touched by the most divine of golden light, and it is a land teeming with animals and spirits and this incredible sense of peace and acceptance. the darkness is still there in places, and i still have yet to explore them to let them go, but i'm not helpless to them anymore. 

i laid in a pile of leaves with my lover today, underneath the unexpectedly warm sun, and felt. an absolute state of simply BEING. i just was. (I AM.) there was no wanting and no wishing and no doing. i was full. in that moment, i had more than i could ever hope to have in an entire lifetime. simple contentedness. simple peace. 

i am. simple peace. 

i want to go home.

i want to go home. 

this is a lonely place. 

i want to go home. 

i want to go home. 

i want to feel embraced. 

loved.

i want to go home. 

my real HOME. 

blue pearls and walk-ins

my dreams are beginning to appear as abstractions rather than situations and symbols. most of the 'regular' dreams i'm having are ones that bring my insecurities to the surface, as if my mind is not letting me repress my fears any longer, and forcing me to deal with them head on. a few symbolic dreams remain, most of those involving strange pregnancies or tornadoes. 

but the abstractions hit harder. i wake up, knowing i am bathed in light of certain colors or emotions. i dream of light. some nights i dream i am resting in a pool of warm golden light. other nights it is a cooler blue. a few times it has been black; just black all around me, and i am filled with an overwhelming feeling of aloneness. when the black ones started, i would wake up suddenly, gasping, as the absolute darkness frightened me. but now i just let myself exist in it. 

waves and wisps of light continue traveling across my awareness in both sleep and wakefulness. this light is usually white or violet, but other colors at times. lately, i have been seeing more gold and green than usual. other times, there are little sparkles of stars, usually white or blue or violet. 

when i close my eyes, i see a violet sphere, appearing to come out of my third eye. sometimes it's blue, sometimes it's gold, but most of the time it remains violet. it recedes from my forehead as if it is being sent into the world outside myself. at times i see it when my eyes are still open. i read that this is often called "The Blue Pearl" and is a symbol of awakened Kundalini and enlightenment. when you see it, you are said to see your soul and every infinite source within it. though i can't yet explain its significance to myself, i do admit that it gives me a fleeting feeling of "HOME" when i see it. 

the ringing in my ears has become more like the sound of rain in my head. when i'm in that stage between sleep and wakefulness, i hear more elaborate sounds, like bells ringing or whispers. the bells have woken me up many times, and sometimes the whispers do. i remember one time when i woke up to a very loud voice whispering "Fine!" it sounded very annoyed with me... probably because i couldn't hear it before that moment.

my identity falls further and further into abstraction. it becomes harder and harder to relate to the experiences of my past, and the person i was. it's harder to relate to my family and friends now, also.. they seem removed from me somehow. like our bond is no longer the same. 

perhaps it's the possibility that "I" am not who "I" was before. months ago, i was bargaining with my life. i gave my full surrender and submission. and i'm not sure what suddenly changed inside me, for i didn't consciously feel the switch flip inside. did "I" actually die that melancholic month? did someone else, a different soul, the new "I", walk in? making part of this confusion, this separation, part of the integration process of this new soul? that makes me question myself, and who "I" am. it makes me realize that "I" is simply a concept for the physical body, and has little relevance to the soul itself. how could that sad girl be receiving all these spiritual gifts? she condemned all the world and its inhabitants for her years of suffering...she hardly seems the right candidate for the tools to spiritual fulfillment. how could these things be happening if  someone more deserving hadn't stepped in to take her place? i look around my room at all my stuff, and it feels like "her" room and "her" stuff. i can feel her energy, separate from mine. it feels sad and lonely. i feel sad for her. 

i am looking into reiki training classes. i have been called as a lightworker, i already know that. inside, i question whether reiki is the right modality for me though. reiki hasn't clicked in my intuition yet, and that worries me. 

have i gone crazy?

...for real, this time? 

reality seems to be slipping away.

and though, for the first time ever, i feel like things are finally starting to fit,

and mysteries are finally starting to make sense,

i am hearing "you've lost it." 

though i feel like i've gained "it" 

i am hearing "you're acting crazy." 

though i'm not acting. 

but i'm also hearing whispers and bells that aren't there.

so...um...shit.

word.

join an Order that devotes itself to Chaos?

what foolishness is this?

join the Chaos that devotes itself to Order? 

hmph.

clearly, Nonexistence is the only path of nondualism.

but to have Nonexistence there must be existence, which is still dualist. 

and to have nondualism, there must be dualism. 

oh boy. semantics. 

words... meaningful to a point, then just a 3 ring circus of past present and future expressions that cycle around eachother endlessly to amuse and entertain us. 

the Tao that can be named is not the eternal Name. 

if we are all God, if the Universe is us, if we are all the Tao, then literally anything that can be named is not its true Name. so none of our written and spoken words are our real words. EVER.

until we can figure out how to communicate honestly, i suppose we will have to rely on these words. which is unfortunate since miscommunication is more common that understanding. 

i still love words though. they are delicious. i will continue to enjoy them until i master ESP. 

oh! but, given all this, wouldn't the truest form of intuition be kinetic-- merely feelings? for with hearing, we hear words and sounds. with sight, we see images we've been taught to label and categorize with words. with feelings, most of the time, we cannot truly describe that which we feel with appropriate words. most of the time we don't even express these feelings for that very reason.

our feelings are not measured in words. i would more readily put my trust in someone who tells me that "it just feels so." than someone who could explain themselves in a logical and persuasive manner with words.  

it's enough to make you dizzy. 

"HE WHO KNOWS DOES NOT SPEAK.

HE WHO SPEAKS DOES NOT KNOW."

lao tzu 

1:33pm

what is this strange day? this timelessness displayed in such neutral light and diffusion. this remarkable stillness, shrouded and disguised by the murmurs of the wind. a lady hummingbird floated mere inches from my face, staring straight into me with curiosity, her wings sounding like a storm thundering over a canyon. what was she thinking? what am i thinking? the cold is setting in this evening. 

patines of bright gold

the heat radiating from my shoulders is ceaseless. 

___________

there was this time when i ingested a particular something. in a particular somewhere. with a particular someone. 

paranoia first. nothing extravagant, but a growing fear of the darkness around me. ingest more. more paranoia. i tell myself that there is nothing to fear because i am everything around me. i free myself from myself. the shackles are removed in one swift motion, as a warm surge of light energy comes from the earth, travels up my spine and explodes out my head. there is tingling, and i am blinded by light. 

once again, i am shrouded in paranoia. my ingestion partner seems perfectly level headed, and suddenly i am convinced this was an evil plan to drug me and make me powerless and vulnerable. "Are you in on this?" i keep asking. "I don't know what you mean" is the reply i get. "Are you in on this?" i ask again and again. the entire world is visually altered.. only little pieces visible to me at times. mostly i exist in a world of thought forms now, made of light and shadow and sound vibrations.

then, i shoot back down into my body and physical awareness. i see the campfire in front of me. it is silent and i fidget. "Is there anything you didn't get that you want?" he asks. suddenly, i am a demon. a demon inhabiting this girls body, and he has figured it out and wants to exorcise me. i need to get away so i can remain in this body. "I want to lay down." i strangely say. but i don't.

another change. no longer a demon. now i am inside a golden triangle. everything i can see is inside this golden triangle. he is wandering about the campsite doing various things. sometimes he stops to say something to me but i can't understand, for i am too busy counting his eyes.. he has 8 now? i jump from thought form to thought form, diligently thinking. Ah ha! Suddenly! Enlightenment! i have figured out enlightenment. i walk towards him to tell him what it is, but then, the triangle flips over onto its side and everything jumbles, including the thought forms! oh shit. i have to figure out enlightenment all over again! i think and i think, and sometimes i get frustrated. when i get particularly frustrated, i look to my side to see buddha sitting there, laughing at me. in my mind he tells me not to take it so seriously. for the triangle will flip everytime i reach enlightenment. 

leaning on my car now. music playing from inside. the music feels. the vibration sounds. the woman singing holds emphasis on her S's, and the impression of a serpent dawns upon me. a particular vibration in the music pushes me away from the car. when i think i am about to fall to the ground, another vibration pulls me back, and i fall against the hood of the car. repeatx3. my body is at the mercy of the Ssssssssss. my limbs have become organic, fluid, and out of my control. 

i stand against my car still, knowing i am unable to keep my balance while at the mercy of the vibrations. my ingestion partner comes by to check on me.. but i am in another place. my body begins to shake and gyrate, as if a living serpent is inside of my belly. it becomes stronger. my neck twists as if there are no bones in it. my arms raise to the sky. the serpent shoots out my crown chakra, and i am lifted from the ground. i am a statue of a powerful goddess, with a serpent wrapped around her glorious body. the night sky is illuminated with a beautiful golden light.. shimmering golden light. there is a halo around the goddess's head. i am free. i am powerful. i am a woman i am a serpent. i am the goddess and the goddess is everything. there is a high wall made of gold next to me to my right, with beautiful colored carvings that light up. to my left, there is a cave with a fire inside. 

in the tent now. laying down. i stare at the ceiling of the tent. the dampness of the air enfolds me. i realize i am no longer in wisconsin. i am in australia. i am inside one of my dreams, and outside the tent i know that i am surrounded by tall grasses, fog, and animals. for some reason, many of my dreams take place in australia. 

i need grounding. i call out for alex. i find myself in a large lodge made of wood. it is native american in appearance. there are torches on the walls and it is empty. upon calling for alex again, i am placed in front of a totem of an owl. the totem houses and protects his spirit, but he is elsewhere. i am comforted and satisfied knowing the totem protects him. i ask if he is my soul mate, and i am told he is. i leave the lodge. 

i am back in my body in the tent. my ingestion partner and i embrace eachother. 

____________

my shoulders have cooled. 

blissful and devastating

i should really be writing more about my process. 

but most of the time i don't even know where to start or how to explain everything that is happening. 

it is beautiful. and terrible. blissful and devastating. i can feel the pieces of myself falling away. i can physically feel the fires eating away at my body and my mind. the fire is killing me. killing me so i can be rid of this (self). 

sometimes it's hard to tell whether i am crazy or not. i have been experiencing visions, lights, auras, energy surges and fits, fevers, pains, strong feelings of presences, some psychic occurrences. 

i don't know what i'm doing here. everything is all so unreal, maybe surreal. it all feels so different and bizarre. it's hard to keep my feet on the ground. alex is my pillar, and even that is blissful and devastating. 

ah. 

yes. 

Dear Universe,

what. the. fuck.

Divine, i am trying. i am trying so hard to keep the faith. i feel... so... lost. i don't understand what is happening. how am i in minnesota again? why have i come back when the reason i came back doesn't seem to care? my reason for coming back no longer wants me near and i feel imprisoned by circumstance. why have i been brought to this point of despair and suffering? did you not give me a renewed life? there is a lump in my throat that has been there for over a week now. i cannot communicate what i am feeling because i do not have a receptive audience. i am so repressed and stressed that my gums bleed because i have been grinding my teeth so much. my eyes sting from all the tears. i have made myself physically sick with grief on numerous occasions and no one even knows. i feel alone. and scared. 

Spirit, i am so scared. please help me. 

please... communicate with me somehow.. tell me what to do. 

have i lost it all as soon as i have gained it? have i been abandoned by the throes of love again? i need someone. something. i need to not feel this suffering. i know that this is suppose to be the hardest cycle of my kundalini transformation, but i don't think i can do it alone. i don't know what to do. i don't know where to go. the pain is starting again. 

i am sending this prayer into the universe. someone please hear it.  someone please help me. someone please comfort me. 

i want you. i seek you. i crave you.

(from 07/19/09)

I want you the way a child wants a cardboard box.

Toys of lights and sounds no longer amuse me

As they stop listening to me

Once their sirens sing.

I push their buttons and they scream back at me,

Without understanding why I pushed them at all.

But O, my love, to make a home of you.

To scribble loving words on your walls

With crayons that smell like lavender and pine

Knowing you will not scrub them clean.

To open your cardboard folds like arms,

And crawl inside like I crawl back into the womb.

Carrying my ringlets and my dolls,

To the warm all-encompassing cave

where you hide us and protect us from

The dark wintry city of men outside.

And love and embrace us, as we love and embrace you.

I seek you the way a seagull seeks the breeze.

I can fly easily enough on the air of stillness,

Flapping my wings vigorously

To keep myself high above the sea

But sooner than later I tire

And my wings beat with the soreness of

Lonely repetitive muscles

As I slowly fall to the depths

Dependent and failing on myself

And my persistence to live.

But O, my love, to ride on your gale,

Your cool breath caressing my weary feathers,

Easing my tension as I soar

through waves that can be identified

as neither wind nor water.

But waves of what is and what was

Into waves of what bird and sky could be.

I crave you the way a young woman craves her first glass of wine.

I could lay my unsoiled head on my pillow

Under the sober light of the moon

And stay warm enough with the blankets

Wrapped around my coiled chilled body

But such is a warmth that remains on the outside

A place I no longer wish to be.

But O, my love, to sip from your cup,

To feel your liquid heat

Passing through my buzzing lips

Tender gates that can be opened only once

As soon the sensuous dam gives way.

An inner heat rising from my stirring womb

You caress my cheeks

Warm, flushed with pink.

Softly my head swims

With a dizziness so delightful

I lose all sense of being

Of doing, of seeing, 

And I willingly fall into you

Like a mad fever.

 

 

first stranger connection - check!

the second day in salt lake, a few of us walked to this really cool coffeeshop called alchemy. there, we met the barista working, named paul. shelley and derek, the people we were staying with, knew him. when being introduced, our eyes connected for a moment and i saw a flicker of light. now that i think about it, i really did visually see it. at that moment, i knew our spirits were somehow connected on another plane. we didn't talk then at all though. when i walked out of the coffeeshop, however, i noticed that i felt like i was rolling. the energy from my heart chakra up to my crown chakra was absolutely radiant.. i felt like i was 7 feet tall. i knew that it was his own energy that i had picked up. 

as fate would have it, shelley and derek were having a little party that evening and had invited him. this was his first time coming over to their house ironically. when he showed up, i eventually got around to talking to him. since i partially already knew him (and since i had a little whiskey in my belly) it was easy to arrive at a spiritual point in the conversation. turns out he has traveled the world learning from various spiritual peoples, he is a reiki healer, he was given a spiritual name at a young age (this name being shiva), and practices native american spiritual disciplines as well. 

when he overheard me saying my back was hurting, he offered to do some healing therapy on it. i agreed wholeheartedly. during this process..

"you are very loved."

"by who? the universe?"

"yeah by the universe." 

"i hope so. i'm experiencing some fear in that department."

i later asked him how important he thought it was to have a spiritual mentor. (this has been a burning question for me in the past few months.) he told me that everyone i ever knew and will know are my spiritual mentors, and it's up to me to decide how much i want to take from each person. this both frustrated me and put me at ease. i feel like i should have a mentor to direct my spiritual development in the right way. but while looking up at the stars that night, i remember thinking, the only relationship that really matters is the one that the Divine and i share. no one could possibly truly understand the depth since it's such an intimate, unspoken thing. 

"what are you looking for in a spiritual mentor?"

hesitation.

"confirmation? recognition?"

i nod.

"you are doing great things in your life." 

as a sort of goodbye, we put our third eyes together and experienced an amazing magnetism and energy. we thanked eachother. 

demons and visions

i am in the middle of the roadtrip from portland to new mexico. right now we're staying at some friends of laaz and cody's in salt lake city.

i have experienced so many varying emotions and moods since i have been gone that it's almost ridiculous. i've gone from being completely amazed and infused with love by the new surroundings, to panicking and wondering where i am and missing alex horribly. i don't think i've ever had to make such a huge adjustment before, so it's pretty normal, but i'm still really working on meditation and visualization to put me at ease. there have been moments where i fear the universe and its plan for me... which is the worst thing i could do. so i need to merge myself back into the tao without fear and with an open heart.

i had a few nights where i had my familiar demon dreams again. one of the mornings, i woke up with a ton of scratches on my chest (right at the door of my heart chakra) and even some on my legs, stomach, and face. i think that they are attacking me in my vulnerability.. in being away from who i love, and are trying to feed me fear. after talking about it with alex, i think it may have stopped. last night my dreams were demonfree.

something very strange happened two days ago.. i was meditating, working on a "hear your inner voice" visualization.. i was visualizing a green garden filled with pink light and rose quartz crystals all over the ground. but suddenly, i was given an entirely different vision... it was twilight.. right when the sun sinks below the horizon and the sky is mostly dark blue with hints of orange and pink near the bottom. it was in the desert. there was a small cliff wall to the left, and the rest of the space was desert sand. however, there were large animal bones scattered in the sand, along with a few rocks. there was a woman standing on one of these rocks... she wore this white dress that really just looked like a silk sheet torn and wrapped around her body. she had shoulder length dark hair. she was tall and curvy but slender. she looked both powerful and delicate; gentle and menacing. she was staring at me, though i couldn't make out her facial features. and her arm was outstretched, pointing to something on the right. before i could tell what she was pointing to, someone spoke to me and my concentration was broken.

my owl my love

6/8/09 dreams:

there was a small group of people crouched on the ground outside. i went to see what was going on... there was a big beautiful owl sitting on the ground and everyone was trying to get a look. i also crouched down to see it.

then the owl took off, but landed, perched on my shoulder. we seemed to bond for a few moments. then he sat on the ground right in front of me, and nuzzled up into my arms. we were loving eachother. then he perched up on my shoulder again, trying to express his love by nuzzling my neck and my head and my shoulder and my back. while he was trying to do this, his talons were digging into my skin. it was incredibly painful. the way he was trying to love me was causing me pain. i wanted to stay and bond with the owl, but i was bleeding and hurting so i had to get away. when i distanced myself from the owl, he became mad, as if he was angry i wasn't loving him. so then he wanted to attack me. it hurt me that this was happening but i went and hid in my room.

a while later, my door was pushed open by two tiny little animals. they were the owls babies.. but he had cross-breeded with either a rabbit or a fox and these two little animals were the result. they were so cute and i loved them so much, that when the owl came in next, i welcomed him in.

arwen's song

with a sigh

you turn away

with a deepening heart

no words to say

you will find

that the world has changed forever

the trees are now turning from green to gold

and the sun is now fading

i wish i could hold you closer

awakening my kundalini serpent

what an interesting couple of days it has been. the pattern that i've noticed is that many amazing things will happen consecutively in one day, followed by a few days of peace or transition or reflection. 

monday and tuesday were not good days. the world felt off. i felt disconnected and removed from the people i care about the most. something was missing and i could feel its gloomy lack of presence. i found my tarot deck and did a one-card reading, asking what the problem was. my answer was the queen of swords. of all the cards, i drew that one. she seemed to jump out at me from the card, screaming at me. i then knew that one of the problems was the fact that i hadn't burned the nate box on saturday like i had planned. i resolved i would do it the next day. then i did another reading that claimed there was a piece of information omitted from me. i asked my dreams to deliver the information that night. 

i dreamt that a girl i knew from school was with me. suddenly she was not a girl, but an orange candle. the candle was not lit, but it/she was melting all over the place. a dream narrator then said that we had something in common: she was sexually abused when she was 7, and i was sexually abused when i was 6. then i started vomiting orange candle wax. it kept spilling out of my mouth uncontrollably. 

when i woke up, i felt i was suppose to find out if something really did happen when i was 6 or not. it wasn't until later that i realized that wasn't the point of the dream. the point was the orange candle wax. since i've been working so much on my chakras, i realized that the orange candle wax represented my orange, or sacral, chakra. this chakra houses the sexual identity, as well as the development of personal boundaries. by the candle melting all over the place, it represented the lack of my personal boundaries and the suffering that followed, including an unhealthy sexual identity and lack of genuine sexual pleasure. when i was vomiting the candle wax, it was an indication that i have cleansed myself of those sufferings and i was getting rid of all the old negative energy, making room for the new positive energy. 

that day, i finally burned the box. it felt good ridding myself of unnecessary reminders of irrelevant pasts. 

that evening, i went to a free intuition development class that i had won at the healing symposium. while there, we did 3 exercises, one for clairvoyance, one for clairaudience and one for clairsentience. i had difficulties with clairvoyance.. my gift is not in the visual. clairsentience is the easiest and strongest for me. i also found out that clairaudience came relatively naturally as well. we did an Om circle and i could hear the higher tones of the tao. i practiced this on my way home for about an hour. when i got home, i heard that ringing in my ear, so i decided to meditate upon it. (i was told that when you hear that ringing in your ears, it means there is a message waiting for you.)

i layed in my bed with some relaxing music in the background. i was working on cleansing breaths, really focusing on the general flow of my chi. my hands and feet went tingly and numb almost instantly and my limbs went dead, as if all the energy in my limbs emptied into my core for this session of work. i felt the familiar building of energy in my belly, but i didn't try to control it. the energy formed a large ball. it began moving as if it was a separate being inside of me (it was the most bizarre thing i've ever felt..) the being ball of energy rose up, pushing on the skin of my stomach. it was so powerful that i felt my body arch involuntarily, as if it was lifting my body. then it centered itself again, only to feel like it exploded. i felt a massive amount of energy surge through my lower chakras. i remember feeling small pains and knowing it was the energy opening my chakras even further. it went from my root to my sacral to my solar plexus and eventually shot up to my heart. i felt the pain in my entire chest as the energy stretched me. at that moment, i pictured myself in my heart's temple (a visualization i had done a couple times before to open my heart chakra) and the closer i stepped towards the flame of my heartbeat, the more energy my heartbeat shot out into my entire body. it felt like amazing jolts of electricity. like liquid fire! it then proceeded up my spine into my throat and my third eye and my crown. from time to time, i would experience random twitches in my legs and arms. by the time i had finished, i was exhausted and dehydrated.

i got up to blog about what had just happened, when i heard that ringing in my ear again. so once again, i went to meditate. this time, without even being directed, the energy began at my heart. it once again worked its way up into my third eye and crown. i began to get a headache, knowing the energy was trying to stretch out my upper chakras. i actually felt some pains on the top and back of my head.. like tiny needles pricking the scalp. i kept focusing on my breathing and allowing the energy to flow. the energy flow felt like a spiral, gyrating through me. i was seeing geometric shapes behind my eyes. i also saw the form of a serpent a few times. parts of my body felt like they were vibrating. after an hour, i decided it was time to stop. i felt open. light. 

i have felt an incredible amount of internal joy. i have awakened my kundalini serpent. i have read that once you awaken the serpent, there is no turning back. this excites me. though i am actually experiencing a fair amount of pain... i am reading that this is normal, as the kundalini will run its course, resetting things and altering things. 

i have been making such great strides in such short amounts of time that i wonder what it's all for. there is a reason that all of this is happening. i definitely feel that sense of purpose, but now i am just waiting for the specific purpose to reveal itself. until then, i'll keep on working and meditating and listening and feeling. 

feeling your pain

last week alex and i were continuing to experiment with our energies. i found that when we put our third eyes together (or made our third eyes make out) my throat almost immediately constricted. it was a very strong physical feeling in my throat. which was particularly strange, because alex's throat chakra is really blocked, so it was like i was feeling him through myself. we tried it again and he said he could feel my excess sexual energy. (still celibate whoo!) later we found out that the more open your heart chakra is, the more you will be able to feel others, even in your own body. 

i've been experimenting with this concept the past few days. i sat next to my dad, knees touching, and i could feel chest pains. (he has a heart condition.) i was brushing my moms hair and could feel so much energy in my sacral (emotional) chakra that it eventually ached. (she is utterly and completely ruled by her emotional response.) 

further investigation is required. 

If I took a lover,

he would be the gentle breeze. His cool breath against my shoulder would send the slightest of chills down my spine, causing steam to rise from the heat of my flesh, as if I were born of the hotsprings themselves. I would burn for him; I would find myself squirming under his very presence in anticipation. I would yearn for him; I would find myself unbearable in my warmth as long as he was near. I would shamelessly arch my body until his relief was across me once again.

If I took a lover, he would be the violent wind. I would stand on a hilltop underneath the gray moody skies, allowing him to toss my hair about, stinging my face. I would raise my arms to the fickle heavens, and he would tear my clothes off as if they never belonged on my body in the first place. I would open my mouth and take him in, breathing so deep that he could choke me if he so desired. The cold gusts and spirals would devour me like a willing sacrifice, and we would tumble down the hill together, feeling the wet grass caress the backs of our very beings.

If I took a lover, he would be the knowing gale. I would hear his voice calling to me from outside, beckoning me to come out so he could share his secrets of the sky with me and me alone. He would know my pains and he would know my pleasures. He would hear the question in my head and would caress my face with his answer. We would converse and laugh like old friends. He would flow into me like water into water. He would come into me without fear of repercussion or despair. I would take all of him into me and feel at home again. Finally. 

Finally. 

leary's theories

5/15/09 dreams:

In my family room. A party of sorts was going on in my house and outside. I looked out one of the side windows, where down in the yard, there was a large tree on its side. I saw something hiding underneath. I saw a face. It was the face of an alien. And it was hiding in my yard. It saw me look, so I got away from the window.

I'm not sure how, but then I saw that there was something acting as a mirror in the room. It reflected the alien hiding under the tree so it looked like it was actually in the room. A group of us got closer to the reflection, knowing it couldn't hurt us this way. When we got closer, we saw the alien was no longer a foreign face, but this strange lump of alien flesh with large reddish black glossy eyes. It was vaguely shaped like a really large rabbit. We studied it. Then looking to its side, saw that a human leg was developing on it. We realized something strange was happening. 

I went back to the window. The alien crawled out. But it wasn't an alien at all! It was a human man! He was maybe in his late 20s, shaggy brown hair, facial hair, completely normal human being. I ran outside to him, asking him what was going on. He had no idea what I was talking about. 

Then he joined the party. 

little noel's red balloon

5/17/09 dreams:

I was standing on the ground. It was mostly dark; the kind of dark that occurs about a half hour after the sun goes down. I knew I had to go and do something far away. I walked to the top of a hill that overlooked the valley I was just standing on. I ran, and jumped off the hill into the air. I began to fly, but was struggling and falling. I focused my thoughts and energy on flying. Above my head, I pictured 2 or 3 red balloons. (The number kept changing.) These balloons kept me in the air. When I wanted to change direction, I pictured wings like an airplane above my head, but they were made of the thinnest lightest paper. These helped me turn. I flew over rolling green hills, devoid of any other people. I looked into the horizon, and it was sunrise. However, the sun was so close to the earth that the earth had caught on fire. Embers were flying all around me, and I remember seeing the bright orange glow of the fire through my paper wings. To my left, the sky was still dark. It was beautiful; apocalyptic. 

I flew until I landed in this large building. It was flooding. There were still a few people evacuating, running in terror. I walked into this big dining room where I saw two people I knew: a boy I went to school with who I was infatuated with, and a girl whose face I can't recall. I went to them, and we decided to find higher ground. As we scurried about, we came across a woman who said she could save us. We followed her into the small opening at the base of a high tower. We crawled up a soft tunnel until we reached the small room at the top of the tower. It was swaying dangerously in the air. Looking out the windows, we saw there were many towers like this one. The woman told us that since she saved us, we would have to remain there indefinitely with her. We now felt the trap and all 3 of us quickly crawled out back into the flood. We sat at a bar in the dining room to think of our next plan. 

Just then, an older man grabbed my shoulders from behind, dragging me from the others. I screamed the boy's name, begging him to save me. I remember his face; it was afraid. I wasn't sure if he would save me. The older man pulled me into one of the towers, pulling me up the tunnel. We reached the top room. From the windows, I could see this tower was to the left of a stage in an opera house. In fact, it was an opera house I had performed in many times in the history of that particular dreamlife. It was dark. 

At the bottom, right behind the curtain of the stage, there was a little girl. They called her Little Noel. She was the star of this performance. She had a dark cloak with a hood on.. I could see some of the shadows on her face, and some of her deep brown hair, but not much else. She held a single red balloon. She had always held onto this red balloon.. it was her lifeforce. There was a darkness that always surrounded her, but her voice made you realize that beyond the darkness, she was filled with light. She was scary, but sort of special. 

The old man told me how this was Little Noel's last performance, laughing. When the curtains pulled back and Little Noel started her song, her balloon would pop, ending her life. I felt this strange animosity towards the little girl, but also felt the need to protect and save her. The old man turned his attention to something else. I remember thinking I could probably get away. I then struggled with myself, thinking, "Should I escape now? Or should I wait for ____ to save me?" (The name of the boy.. removed.) I quickly came to my senses, abandoning the damsel in distress. I ran at the windows, breaking through them. I used my flying skills to help ease myself to the ground, but I was still falling fast, and it was a long way down. 

As I was falling, I heard the old man's voice echo in my head. He said, "Don't be foolish, girl. That little girl down there is you. You cannot stop what is already done." 

I kept falling through the darkness, my eyes on the single red balloon below me. Tears came to my eyes as I realized Little Noel was me. (END DREAM)

transfer students

alex and i have been practicing controlling our energy flow. tuesday night, he tried transferring his energy to me, his fingers on my forehead. the next day, i had the most intense headache i've had in months, maybe years. i tried it on him, but it didn't really work. he is much better at pushing energy out of his body. i'm better at taking it in. so wednesday night, alex was feeling really irritable. we decided to experiment and see if he could transfer his irritable feelings to me. he put his palm to my forehead for awhile and concentrated. afterwards, he said he was feeling a little more relaxed. i could feel his energy seeping into me, but it wasn't a specific kind of energy. 15 minutes later, he started talking to me, and i found myself being short with him, almost snapping at him. i had no idea why. suddenly he smiled and said "you're irritable!" it was amazing. he helped me focus on moving the energy out of me, and i eventually pushed it down out of my body through my feet. i tried to transfer energy to him then; after pushing the irritable energy down my body, i was experiencing an excess of sexual energy. so i tried to transfer sexual energy to him. i figured out a good technique near the end that correlated with my breathing. he later said that it had worked. i can't wait to experiment more!!

we also did some scrying. he told me he saw my warrior and my inner child and one of my demons. i saw his warrior, but it wasn't as clear as i would have liked. his demon, however, was very clear... his eyes filled with black, and then started to boil and bubble over. he smiled at me, taunting me, like so many demons like to do.

onward and upwards

why i needed a confirmation so badly i'm not sure. i suppose when you've seen so much crazy infiltrate all that you hold dear, you worry that it's contagious. that those same things you hold dear are also an illusion. that the madness has also seeped into you, and you're actually not special at all.

a chain of events has begun that cannot be stopped now.

i feel... relief.

i needed to meet her, the healer. i needed her to tell me what she told me. i needed her to recognize my soul. and she did. she recognized all of my struggles and all of my trauma. she looked at me with tears in her eyes as she said, "you are beautiful. you are precious. you are special." she told me i had a big job ahead of me. she told me many things i couldn't even begin to reiterate as it wouldn't hold meaning on a page.

things are starting to come together. loose ends are connecting. relationships are making sense. if it weren't for alex and his presence in my life right now, i probably wouldn't have met her. i know i will miss him when i leave, because our connection is more meaningful to me right now than any other. i think there's a healing quality about him too.

it has been almost two months since i quit sex. i hadn't realized how completely my sexual abuse had affected every facet of my life in some way. recovery will be long and difficult, but it finally feels right. i've realized i need to re-imprint myself. (sounds like a perfect time for a R.A.W. excerpt...) i need to be rid of my negative associations and compulsions and blocks so i can be cleansed and ready for my tasks ahead. the unfortunate part of the recovery process is that it brings everything to the surface.. makes things that happened years ago seem recent and makes the wounds feel fresh. and then something happened only a few days ago.. it terrorized me and i was afraid all my progress was gone. i broke down in a way i haven't broken down in a while. only two days later, i think the healer drew out that trauma.. what felt horrible and helpless a few days ago now feels manageable.

all the books i'm reading and all the things people are telling me and all my experiences are connecting in a way that almost seems unnatural. though i suppose i forget that connections like these are natural as long as i'm open enough to recognize them.

i wonder what and who tomorrow will bring.

addiction

the near desperate pulling and pushing of flesh. 

a quiet clamor; 

the low hum of moral hesitation;

a sickened plea;

god damn it. 

craving more, requiring considerably less. 

can't be a woman

without

the.

feel.

of.

this.

skin.

oh god let me out;

but come in first!

god please;

god damn it. 

give us that sweet violence

though we are peaceful.

those bruises of passion

covering silken white creases. 

tension builds, builds, BUILDS.

the cup can't spilleth over

without encouragement;

can't i play with it? 

god damn it. 

theredglow:(from the dreambank)

one of the books i bought the other day is a book entitled "signs symbols and omens" and contains illustrations and descriptions of all kinds of spiritual symbolism. while looking through this book, i stumbled across the seal of saturn. (for image of seal go here: http://www.renaissanceastrology.com/images/saturnseal.gif)

in early february of 2006 i unknowingly dreamt of the seal of saturn and blogged about it. at the time, i thought the seal was something my mind conjured up on its own. only now am i discovering its meaning, and the dreams meaning. i am copying the entry below: 

"i cannot stand a room lit by fluorescence. this hatred of fluorescent lights runs so deep that my dorm room is filled with various lamps and lightbulbs and strings of colored lights around my lofted, canopied bed. i aggressively strung up my latest buy--large faceted red lights-- breaking two of the fragile bulbs in the process. One shattered as I was climbing up to my bed, forcing me to re-string the lights so they would form a zig-zag pattern under the bed and away from danger. I put nine small red paper lanterns on nine randomly chosen bulbs, four of which ended up on the zig-zag portion.

 

alex and i were sitting in our room, casually on our computers, when two unexpected visitors came to our door. they were solemn men, one in his late thirties and the other no older than twenty. the younger of the two remained silent and withdrawn as the first spoke. he expressed a problem. he was afraid. he was afraid for the boy next to him, for the tragic boy was becoming possessed by a demon. they were told that we could help him and that we were able to perform exorcisms. this of course not being true, we expressed our sorrows for the boy but turned both away.

 

something was happening. some sort of unnoticed coincident was filling alex and me with fear. the kind of fear that chokes your breath and turns your stomach. i felt presences around me; i was compelled to page through this large book i kept underneath my desk. it was a holy book, containing secrets of demonology, the darker side of christianity and the occult. i flipped through pages until i landed on a familiar pattern printed on the page. it consisted of zig-zagging lines and four lantern-shaped nodules on various parts of the lines.  somehow, unknowingly, i had constructed an ancient, magickal doorway to the astral plane with my red lights. this pattern was calling upon demons.

 

the moment i closed the book, there were more visitors. it was the same two as before, plus another. the boy was shorter than the others, and his face had now turned a crimson shade of red. his hair was stringy, and his features had all been smushed together, as if the hands of god had pinched parts of his face, molding him like clay into a soft, pliable lump of flesh. the other two had no faces at all. they were blank, with no features whatsoever. the empty voids were a pale and sickly shade of white against their trim black clothes. i knew now that they had all been possessed, but the boy was the worst. he was twisted and horrible and made me want to vomit from disgust and fear combined. so afraid. so afraid.

 

my eyes shot open from the horrible dream. the first thing that came into view was the string of lights above my head. i wanted to cry. the sound of the tv then came into notice, and i remembered i had fallen asleep on the mattress under my bed while watching late-night cartoons. i rolled over onto my side and threw the blanket over my head to forget the ominous red glow above me."

weird but else what weird

what is this veil? 

this strange awareness. 

these persistent butterflies. always at night. 

the beginning of the end and vice versa. 

an intense and sudden urge to dive into the flutter of pages. the urge to prepare. 

the young human self realized it was just a small and meager part of a string of past and present and future selves. 

and now the urge to cleanse the string of the broken human self with all its repressions and projections and coping mechanisms and socially induced mindsets. 

the uncovering of many secrets is to follow. and mark my words, it will happen fast. and we will be alive to see it.

weird. what else but weird at this stage. 

the silver netting

pick a spot on a wall or a ceiling and fix your eyes on it. stare at it until you let it become blurry. 

out of the blur you'll begin to see millions of tiny silver lines shooting across your vision. i don't mean the fluorescent floaters you see in your eyes; look past those. look for those tiny little strands of silver. they almost look like shooting stars, lighting up briefly with a dimmer light trailing behind. 

notice how they are moving in every direction at the same time. notice how they are both fast and slow. notice how they make an infinite, moving, flexible netting that covers everything. it's like the blanket theory. everything in this netting, although different, is the same. all of us are wrapped in it as it flows through and around us. we are consistently a part of this flow of energy.

we are kinetic beings. our particles are always moving, and there is power in knowing that. because we know that for every action there is a reaction, we can consciously participate in the movements of our own energies and thus cause foreseeable and predictable results.  to remain ignorant of this is to remain powerless. 

"See where your own energy wants to go, not where you think it should go. Do something because it feels right, not because it makes sense. Follow the spiritual impulse." --Mary Hayes-Grieco

entry:one:thebeginning

i am horrible at journaling. there are crumpled pieces of paper and barely-filled notebooks with scribbles of poetry and prose and theory and dreams scattered everywhere in my physical space. but as i begin to realize the importance of the journey ahead, i know i need to start taking notes.

everything i write here will be painfully honest, albeit pretty random and possibly tangled in vague metaphors i'm sure. and so this is the first entry. this is when the cycle reset. 

a few months ago it so happened that the melancholy took me over. utterly and completely. i let the wall that is my psychological warrior crumble to the ground. from the other side of the wall, a great dark beast lunged towards me. i let it toss me into the air with its horns, tearing into my flesh and sending pieces of me everywhere. i stopped fighting for the very first time in my life and let it rip me apart. i smiled into the pain and landed on the back of the beast. i rode it into a deep spiral of black until i found myself alone, bleeding, and numb, lying on the bottom. that had never been my intention. somehow the imbalance became so prevalent that it took on actions of its own.  and though it was bleak and dark, it was soft and comforting. it was the feeling of the end. i thought i had given up. 

i stayed there for weeks. observing. waiting. waiting to die. or heal. i wasn't sure, but i did nothing. and then i got up. not out of will or of hope, but out of curiosity. and something amazing happened. 

i felt. i understood. i realized. i just knew. it all seemed different.

i feel as though i just woke up again. spiritually, psychologically, magickally. it's as if the beast that essentially killed me also inadvertently pushed the reset button inside of me. my priorities have altered dramatically. my goals have changed. i watch as the career goal i've been planning for the past few years disintegrates in front of my eyes. i have more important things to do right now. 

the voices of the universe are much louder than before. i feel inhabited by them in a very healthy connected way. the way i see everything has been amplified. i am seeing and feeling and reading energies more naturally and more easily than before. i am sensing spirits more accurately. i have a growing detachment to my material things. unhealthy sexual cravings have substantially subsided. alcohol doesn't taste the same. 

the best realization: by allowing the beast i have been fighting for years to violate me freely, i have accidentally come to individually understand one of the two most important concepts in my taoist belief system: wu-wei. (action through inaction.) i believe that by experiencing this concept, i have been granted a small measure of spiritual access. 

as i close this first entry, this longwinded introductory backstory piece, i get ready to graduate college in a few weeks. and in the end of june, i will be traveling west to portland to meet up with a friend of mine. i will be doing some traveling with him and his friends. we'll be writing and playing music together. this opportunity has come at such an appropriate time that it can be nothing short of synchronicity.