everything i write here will be painfully honest, albeit pretty random and possibly tangled in vague metaphors i'm sure. and so this is the first entry. this is when the cycle reset.
a few months ago it so happened that the melancholy took me over. utterly and completely. i let the wall that is my psychological warrior crumble to the ground. from the other side of the wall, a great dark beast lunged towards me. i let it toss me into the air with its horns, tearing into my flesh and sending pieces of me everywhere. i stopped fighting for the very first time in my life and let it rip me apart. i smiled into the pain and landed on the back of the beast. i rode it into a deep spiral of black until i found myself alone, bleeding, and numb, lying on the bottom. that had never been my intention. somehow the imbalance became so prevalent that it took on actions of its own. and though it was bleak and dark, it was soft and comforting. it was the feeling of the end. i thought i had given up.
i stayed there for weeks. observing. waiting. waiting to die. or heal. i wasn't sure, but i did nothing. and then i got up. not out of will or of hope, but out of curiosity. and something amazing happened.
i felt. i understood. i realized. i just knew. it all seemed different.
i feel as though i just woke up again. spiritually, psychologically, magickally. it's as if the beast that essentially killed me also inadvertently pushed the reset button inside of me. my priorities have altered dramatically. my goals have changed. i watch as the career goal i've been planning for the past few years disintegrates in front of my eyes. i have more important things to do right now.
the voices of the universe are much louder than before. i feel inhabited by them in a very healthy connected way. the way i see everything has been amplified. i am seeing and feeling and reading energies more naturally and more easily than before. i am sensing spirits more accurately. i have a growing detachment to my material things. unhealthy sexual cravings have substantially subsided. alcohol doesn't taste the same.
the best realization: by allowing the beast i have been fighting for years to violate me freely, i have accidentally come to individually understand one of the two most important concepts in my taoist belief system: wu-wei. (action through inaction.) i believe that by experiencing this concept, i have been granted a small measure of spiritual access.
as i close this first entry, this longwinded introductory backstory piece, i get ready to graduate college in a few weeks. and in the end of june, i will be traveling west to portland to meet up with a friend of mine. i will be doing some traveling with him and his friends. we'll be writing and playing music together. this opportunity has come at such an appropriate time that it can be nothing short of synchronicity.
No comments:
Post a Comment