monday and tuesday were not good days. the world felt off. i felt disconnected and removed from the people i care about the most. something was missing and i could feel its gloomy lack of presence. i found my tarot deck and did a one-card reading, asking what the problem was. my answer was the queen of swords. of all the cards, i drew that one. she seemed to jump out at me from the card, screaming at me. i then knew that one of the problems was the fact that i hadn't burned the nate box on saturday like i had planned. i resolved i would do it the next day. then i did another reading that claimed there was a piece of information omitted from me. i asked my dreams to deliver the information that night.
i dreamt that a girl i knew from school was with me. suddenly she was not a girl, but an orange candle. the candle was not lit, but it/she was melting all over the place. a dream narrator then said that we had something in common: she was sexually abused when she was 7, and i was sexually abused when i was 6. then i started vomiting orange candle wax. it kept spilling out of my mouth uncontrollably.
when i woke up, i felt i was suppose to find out if something really did happen when i was 6 or not. it wasn't until later that i realized that wasn't the point of the dream. the point was the orange candle wax. since i've been working so much on my chakras, i realized that the orange candle wax represented my orange, or sacral, chakra. this chakra houses the sexual identity, as well as the development of personal boundaries. by the candle melting all over the place, it represented the lack of my personal boundaries and the suffering that followed, including an unhealthy sexual identity and lack of genuine sexual pleasure. when i was vomiting the candle wax, it was an indication that i have cleansed myself of those sufferings and i was getting rid of all the old negative energy, making room for the new positive energy.
that day, i finally burned the box. it felt good ridding myself of unnecessary reminders of irrelevant pasts.
that evening, i went to a free intuition development class that i had won at the healing symposium. while there, we did 3 exercises, one for clairvoyance, one for clairaudience and one for clairsentience. i had difficulties with clairvoyance.. my gift is not in the visual. clairsentience is the easiest and strongest for me. i also found out that clairaudience came relatively naturally as well. we did an Om circle and i could hear the higher tones of the tao. i practiced this on my way home for about an hour. when i got home, i heard that ringing in my ear, so i decided to meditate upon it. (i was told that when you hear that ringing in your ears, it means there is a message waiting for you.)
i layed in my bed with some relaxing music in the background. i was working on cleansing breaths, really focusing on the general flow of my chi. my hands and feet went tingly and numb almost instantly and my limbs went dead, as if all the energy in my limbs emptied into my core for this session of work. i felt the familiar building of energy in my belly, but i didn't try to control it. the energy formed a large ball. it began moving as if it was a separate being inside of me (it was the most bizarre thing i've ever felt..) the being ball of energy rose up, pushing on the skin of my stomach. it was so powerful that i felt my body arch involuntarily, as if it was lifting my body. then it centered itself again, only to feel like it exploded. i felt a massive amount of energy surge through my lower chakras. i remember feeling small pains and knowing it was the energy opening my chakras even further. it went from my root to my sacral to my solar plexus and eventually shot up to my heart. i felt the pain in my entire chest as the energy stretched me. at that moment, i pictured myself in my heart's temple (a visualization i had done a couple times before to open my heart chakra) and the closer i stepped towards the flame of my heartbeat, the more energy my heartbeat shot out into my entire body. it felt like amazing jolts of electricity. like liquid fire! it then proceeded up my spine into my throat and my third eye and my crown. from time to time, i would experience random twitches in my legs and arms. by the time i had finished, i was exhausted and dehydrated.
i got up to blog about what had just happened, when i heard that ringing in my ear again. so once again, i went to meditate. this time, without even being directed, the energy began at my heart. it once again worked its way up into my third eye and crown. i began to get a headache, knowing the energy was trying to stretch out my upper chakras. i actually felt some pains on the top and back of my head.. like tiny needles pricking the scalp. i kept focusing on my breathing and allowing the energy to flow. the energy flow felt like a spiral, gyrating through me. i was seeing geometric shapes behind my eyes. i also saw the form of a serpent a few times. parts of my body felt like they were vibrating. after an hour, i decided it was time to stop. i felt open. light.
i have felt an incredible amount of internal joy. i have awakened my kundalini serpent. i have read that once you awaken the serpent, there is no turning back. this excites me. though i am actually experiencing a fair amount of pain... i am reading that this is normal, as the kundalini will run its course, resetting things and altering things.
i have been making such great strides in such short amounts of time that i wonder what it's all for. there is a reason that all of this is happening. i definitely feel that sense of purpose, but now i am just waiting for the specific purpose to reveal itself. until then, i'll keep on working and meditating and listening and feeling.
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