blissful and devastating

i should really be writing more about my process. 

but most of the time i don't even know where to start or how to explain everything that is happening. 

it is beautiful. and terrible. blissful and devastating. i can feel the pieces of myself falling away. i can physically feel the fires eating away at my body and my mind. the fire is killing me. killing me so i can be rid of this (self). 

sometimes it's hard to tell whether i am crazy or not. i have been experiencing visions, lights, auras, energy surges and fits, fevers, pains, strong feelings of presences, some psychic occurrences. 

i don't know what i'm doing here. everything is all so unreal, maybe surreal. it all feels so different and bizarre. it's hard to keep my feet on the ground. alex is my pillar, and even that is blissful and devastating. 

ah. 

yes.