walking without crutches

i came into this world with depression. 

my earliest, and one of the few, memories i have is still tainted by a melancholy i couldn't even begin to name at the time. then there are pieces missing. large years of pieces of memories i have no recollection of. maybe alex was right. maybe nothing happened in those years. just years of the same nothingness. 

i don't remember being a kid. maybe because i never really was. i didn't ever get that sense of carelessness- that freedom. i didn't really get play. maybe that's why i have such a desire to play now. even so, i can still feel my body locking up, putting up its guards automatically, whenever there is play around me. 

i wonder what could have happened in my previous life that is has caused me to be so heavily weighed down by it that sadness has been the only constant in my changing life. what is the burden i've forced myself to bear?

i had never felt real happiness or real peace until my awakening this year. ever. i would like to say that i exaggerate, but i don't. the silent agony had always been my companion. the only thing i could count on. and now, i have been fighting a conscious battle not to allow the sadness to comfort me as i use to allow it. 

i will not use the melancholy as a crutch. 

it's strange how my inner landscape has changed. it had been a barren place of black and dark grays splashed with red. it was a place carved in dark stone and layered in fog, magical somehow. a little beautiful in its dark power. i was attracted to it in my loneliness. i felt dark and powerful. now, my inner landscape has been touched by the most divine of golden light, and it is a land teeming with animals and spirits and this incredible sense of peace and acceptance. the darkness is still there in places, and i still have yet to explore them to let them go, but i'm not helpless to them anymore. 

i laid in a pile of leaves with my lover today, underneath the unexpectedly warm sun, and felt. an absolute state of simply BEING. i just was. (I AM.) there was no wanting and no wishing and no doing. i was full. in that moment, i had more than i could ever hope to have in an entire lifetime. simple contentedness. simple peace. 

i am. simple peace.