why i needed a confirmation so badly i'm not sure. i suppose when you've seen so much crazy infiltrate all that you hold dear, you worry that it's contagious. that those same things you hold dear are also an illusion. that the madness has also seeped into you, and you're actually not special at all.
a chain of events has begun that cannot be stopped now.
i feel... relief.
i needed to meet her, the healer. i needed her to tell me what she told me. i needed her to recognize my soul. and she did. she recognized all of my struggles and all of my trauma. she looked at me with tears in her eyes as she said, "you are beautiful. you are precious. you are special." she told me i had a big job ahead of me. she told me many things i couldn't even begin to reiterate as it wouldn't hold meaning on a page.
things are starting to come together. loose ends are connecting. relationships are making sense. if it weren't for alex and his presence in my life right now, i probably wouldn't have met her. i know i will miss him when i leave, because our connection is more meaningful to me right now than any other. i think there's a healing quality about him too.
it has been almost two months since i quit sex. i hadn't realized how completely my sexual abuse had affected every facet of my life in some way. recovery will be long and difficult, but it finally feels right. i've realized i need to re-imprint myself. (sounds like a perfect time for a R.A.W. excerpt...) i need to be rid of my negative associations and compulsions and blocks so i can be cleansed and ready for my tasks ahead. the unfortunate part of the recovery process is that it brings everything to the surface.. makes things that happened years ago seem recent and makes the wounds feel fresh. and then something happened only a few days ago.. it terrorized me and i was afraid all my progress was gone. i broke down in a way i haven't broken down in a while. only two days later, i think the healer drew out that trauma.. what felt horrible and helpless a few days ago now feels manageable.
all the books i'm reading and all the things people are telling me and all my experiences are connecting in a way that almost seems unnatural. though i suppose i forget that connections like these are natural as long as i'm open enough to recognize them.
i wonder what and who tomorrow will bring.
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