1:33pm

what is this strange day? this timelessness displayed in such neutral light and diffusion. this remarkable stillness, shrouded and disguised by the murmurs of the wind. a lady hummingbird floated mere inches from my face, staring straight into me with curiosity, her wings sounding like a storm thundering over a canyon. what was she thinking? what am i thinking? the cold is setting in this evening. 

patines of bright gold

the heat radiating from my shoulders is ceaseless. 

___________

there was this time when i ingested a particular something. in a particular somewhere. with a particular someone. 

paranoia first. nothing extravagant, but a growing fear of the darkness around me. ingest more. more paranoia. i tell myself that there is nothing to fear because i am everything around me. i free myself from myself. the shackles are removed in one swift motion, as a warm surge of light energy comes from the earth, travels up my spine and explodes out my head. there is tingling, and i am blinded by light. 

once again, i am shrouded in paranoia. my ingestion partner seems perfectly level headed, and suddenly i am convinced this was an evil plan to drug me and make me powerless and vulnerable. "Are you in on this?" i keep asking. "I don't know what you mean" is the reply i get. "Are you in on this?" i ask again and again. the entire world is visually altered.. only little pieces visible to me at times. mostly i exist in a world of thought forms now, made of light and shadow and sound vibrations.

then, i shoot back down into my body and physical awareness. i see the campfire in front of me. it is silent and i fidget. "Is there anything you didn't get that you want?" he asks. suddenly, i am a demon. a demon inhabiting this girls body, and he has figured it out and wants to exorcise me. i need to get away so i can remain in this body. "I want to lay down." i strangely say. but i don't.

another change. no longer a demon. now i am inside a golden triangle. everything i can see is inside this golden triangle. he is wandering about the campsite doing various things. sometimes he stops to say something to me but i can't understand, for i am too busy counting his eyes.. he has 8 now? i jump from thought form to thought form, diligently thinking. Ah ha! Suddenly! Enlightenment! i have figured out enlightenment. i walk towards him to tell him what it is, but then, the triangle flips over onto its side and everything jumbles, including the thought forms! oh shit. i have to figure out enlightenment all over again! i think and i think, and sometimes i get frustrated. when i get particularly frustrated, i look to my side to see buddha sitting there, laughing at me. in my mind he tells me not to take it so seriously. for the triangle will flip everytime i reach enlightenment. 

leaning on my car now. music playing from inside. the music feels. the vibration sounds. the woman singing holds emphasis on her S's, and the impression of a serpent dawns upon me. a particular vibration in the music pushes me away from the car. when i think i am about to fall to the ground, another vibration pulls me back, and i fall against the hood of the car. repeatx3. my body is at the mercy of the Ssssssssss. my limbs have become organic, fluid, and out of my control. 

i stand against my car still, knowing i am unable to keep my balance while at the mercy of the vibrations. my ingestion partner comes by to check on me.. but i am in another place. my body begins to shake and gyrate, as if a living serpent is inside of my belly. it becomes stronger. my neck twists as if there are no bones in it. my arms raise to the sky. the serpent shoots out my crown chakra, and i am lifted from the ground. i am a statue of a powerful goddess, with a serpent wrapped around her glorious body. the night sky is illuminated with a beautiful golden light.. shimmering golden light. there is a halo around the goddess's head. i am free. i am powerful. i am a woman i am a serpent. i am the goddess and the goddess is everything. there is a high wall made of gold next to me to my right, with beautiful colored carvings that light up. to my left, there is a cave with a fire inside. 

in the tent now. laying down. i stare at the ceiling of the tent. the dampness of the air enfolds me. i realize i am no longer in wisconsin. i am in australia. i am inside one of my dreams, and outside the tent i know that i am surrounded by tall grasses, fog, and animals. for some reason, many of my dreams take place in australia. 

i need grounding. i call out for alex. i find myself in a large lodge made of wood. it is native american in appearance. there are torches on the walls and it is empty. upon calling for alex again, i am placed in front of a totem of an owl. the totem houses and protects his spirit, but he is elsewhere. i am comforted and satisfied knowing the totem protects him. i ask if he is my soul mate, and i am told he is. i leave the lodge. 

i am back in my body in the tent. my ingestion partner and i embrace eachother. 

____________

my shoulders have cooled. 

blissful and devastating

i should really be writing more about my process. 

but most of the time i don't even know where to start or how to explain everything that is happening. 

it is beautiful. and terrible. blissful and devastating. i can feel the pieces of myself falling away. i can physically feel the fires eating away at my body and my mind. the fire is killing me. killing me so i can be rid of this (self). 

sometimes it's hard to tell whether i am crazy or not. i have been experiencing visions, lights, auras, energy surges and fits, fevers, pains, strong feelings of presences, some psychic occurrences. 

i don't know what i'm doing here. everything is all so unreal, maybe surreal. it all feels so different and bizarre. it's hard to keep my feet on the ground. alex is my pillar, and even that is blissful and devastating. 

ah. 

yes. 

Dear Universe,

what. the. fuck.

Divine, i am trying. i am trying so hard to keep the faith. i feel... so... lost. i don't understand what is happening. how am i in minnesota again? why have i come back when the reason i came back doesn't seem to care? my reason for coming back no longer wants me near and i feel imprisoned by circumstance. why have i been brought to this point of despair and suffering? did you not give me a renewed life? there is a lump in my throat that has been there for over a week now. i cannot communicate what i am feeling because i do not have a receptive audience. i am so repressed and stressed that my gums bleed because i have been grinding my teeth so much. my eyes sting from all the tears. i have made myself physically sick with grief on numerous occasions and no one even knows. i feel alone. and scared. 

Spirit, i am so scared. please help me. 

please... communicate with me somehow.. tell me what to do. 

have i lost it all as soon as i have gained it? have i been abandoned by the throes of love again? i need someone. something. i need to not feel this suffering. i know that this is suppose to be the hardest cycle of my kundalini transformation, but i don't think i can do it alone. i don't know what to do. i don't know where to go. the pain is starting again. 

i am sending this prayer into the universe. someone please hear it.  someone please help me. someone please comfort me. 

i want you. i seek you. i crave you.

(from 07/19/09)

I want you the way a child wants a cardboard box.

Toys of lights and sounds no longer amuse me

As they stop listening to me

Once their sirens sing.

I push their buttons and they scream back at me,

Without understanding why I pushed them at all.

But O, my love, to make a home of you.

To scribble loving words on your walls

With crayons that smell like lavender and pine

Knowing you will not scrub them clean.

To open your cardboard folds like arms,

And crawl inside like I crawl back into the womb.

Carrying my ringlets and my dolls,

To the warm all-encompassing cave

where you hide us and protect us from

The dark wintry city of men outside.

And love and embrace us, as we love and embrace you.

I seek you the way a seagull seeks the breeze.

I can fly easily enough on the air of stillness,

Flapping my wings vigorously

To keep myself high above the sea

But sooner than later I tire

And my wings beat with the soreness of

Lonely repetitive muscles

As I slowly fall to the depths

Dependent and failing on myself

And my persistence to live.

But O, my love, to ride on your gale,

Your cool breath caressing my weary feathers,

Easing my tension as I soar

through waves that can be identified

as neither wind nor water.

But waves of what is and what was

Into waves of what bird and sky could be.

I crave you the way a young woman craves her first glass of wine.

I could lay my unsoiled head on my pillow

Under the sober light of the moon

And stay warm enough with the blankets

Wrapped around my coiled chilled body

But such is a warmth that remains on the outside

A place I no longer wish to be.

But O, my love, to sip from your cup,

To feel your liquid heat

Passing through my buzzing lips

Tender gates that can be opened only once

As soon the sensuous dam gives way.

An inner heat rising from my stirring womb

You caress my cheeks

Warm, flushed with pink.

Softly my head swims

With a dizziness so delightful

I lose all sense of being

Of doing, of seeing, 

And I willingly fall into you

Like a mad fever.

 

 

first stranger connection - check!

the second day in salt lake, a few of us walked to this really cool coffeeshop called alchemy. there, we met the barista working, named paul. shelley and derek, the people we were staying with, knew him. when being introduced, our eyes connected for a moment and i saw a flicker of light. now that i think about it, i really did visually see it. at that moment, i knew our spirits were somehow connected on another plane. we didn't talk then at all though. when i walked out of the coffeeshop, however, i noticed that i felt like i was rolling. the energy from my heart chakra up to my crown chakra was absolutely radiant.. i felt like i was 7 feet tall. i knew that it was his own energy that i had picked up. 

as fate would have it, shelley and derek were having a little party that evening and had invited him. this was his first time coming over to their house ironically. when he showed up, i eventually got around to talking to him. since i partially already knew him (and since i had a little whiskey in my belly) it was easy to arrive at a spiritual point in the conversation. turns out he has traveled the world learning from various spiritual peoples, he is a reiki healer, he was given a spiritual name at a young age (this name being shiva), and practices native american spiritual disciplines as well. 

when he overheard me saying my back was hurting, he offered to do some healing therapy on it. i agreed wholeheartedly. during this process..

"you are very loved."

"by who? the universe?"

"yeah by the universe." 

"i hope so. i'm experiencing some fear in that department."

i later asked him how important he thought it was to have a spiritual mentor. (this has been a burning question for me in the past few months.) he told me that everyone i ever knew and will know are my spiritual mentors, and it's up to me to decide how much i want to take from each person. this both frustrated me and put me at ease. i feel like i should have a mentor to direct my spiritual development in the right way. but while looking up at the stars that night, i remember thinking, the only relationship that really matters is the one that the Divine and i share. no one could possibly truly understand the depth since it's such an intimate, unspoken thing. 

"what are you looking for in a spiritual mentor?"

hesitation.

"confirmation? recognition?"

i nod.

"you are doing great things in your life." 

as a sort of goodbye, we put our third eyes together and experienced an amazing magnetism and energy. we thanked eachother. 

demons and visions

i am in the middle of the roadtrip from portland to new mexico. right now we're staying at some friends of laaz and cody's in salt lake city.

i have experienced so many varying emotions and moods since i have been gone that it's almost ridiculous. i've gone from being completely amazed and infused with love by the new surroundings, to panicking and wondering where i am and missing alex horribly. i don't think i've ever had to make such a huge adjustment before, so it's pretty normal, but i'm still really working on meditation and visualization to put me at ease. there have been moments where i fear the universe and its plan for me... which is the worst thing i could do. so i need to merge myself back into the tao without fear and with an open heart.

i had a few nights where i had my familiar demon dreams again. one of the mornings, i woke up with a ton of scratches on my chest (right at the door of my heart chakra) and even some on my legs, stomach, and face. i think that they are attacking me in my vulnerability.. in being away from who i love, and are trying to feed me fear. after talking about it with alex, i think it may have stopped. last night my dreams were demonfree.

something very strange happened two days ago.. i was meditating, working on a "hear your inner voice" visualization.. i was visualizing a green garden filled with pink light and rose quartz crystals all over the ground. but suddenly, i was given an entirely different vision... it was twilight.. right when the sun sinks below the horizon and the sky is mostly dark blue with hints of orange and pink near the bottom. it was in the desert. there was a small cliff wall to the left, and the rest of the space was desert sand. however, there were large animal bones scattered in the sand, along with a few rocks. there was a woman standing on one of these rocks... she wore this white dress that really just looked like a silk sheet torn and wrapped around her body. she had shoulder length dark hair. she was tall and curvy but slender. she looked both powerful and delicate; gentle and menacing. she was staring at me, though i couldn't make out her facial features. and her arm was outstretched, pointing to something on the right. before i could tell what she was pointing to, someone spoke to me and my concentration was broken.