awakening my kundalini serpent

what an interesting couple of days it has been. the pattern that i've noticed is that many amazing things will happen consecutively in one day, followed by a few days of peace or transition or reflection. 

monday and tuesday were not good days. the world felt off. i felt disconnected and removed from the people i care about the most. something was missing and i could feel its gloomy lack of presence. i found my tarot deck and did a one-card reading, asking what the problem was. my answer was the queen of swords. of all the cards, i drew that one. she seemed to jump out at me from the card, screaming at me. i then knew that one of the problems was the fact that i hadn't burned the nate box on saturday like i had planned. i resolved i would do it the next day. then i did another reading that claimed there was a piece of information omitted from me. i asked my dreams to deliver the information that night. 

i dreamt that a girl i knew from school was with me. suddenly she was not a girl, but an orange candle. the candle was not lit, but it/she was melting all over the place. a dream narrator then said that we had something in common: she was sexually abused when she was 7, and i was sexually abused when i was 6. then i started vomiting orange candle wax. it kept spilling out of my mouth uncontrollably. 

when i woke up, i felt i was suppose to find out if something really did happen when i was 6 or not. it wasn't until later that i realized that wasn't the point of the dream. the point was the orange candle wax. since i've been working so much on my chakras, i realized that the orange candle wax represented my orange, or sacral, chakra. this chakra houses the sexual identity, as well as the development of personal boundaries. by the candle melting all over the place, it represented the lack of my personal boundaries and the suffering that followed, including an unhealthy sexual identity and lack of genuine sexual pleasure. when i was vomiting the candle wax, it was an indication that i have cleansed myself of those sufferings and i was getting rid of all the old negative energy, making room for the new positive energy. 

that day, i finally burned the box. it felt good ridding myself of unnecessary reminders of irrelevant pasts. 

that evening, i went to a free intuition development class that i had won at the healing symposium. while there, we did 3 exercises, one for clairvoyance, one for clairaudience and one for clairsentience. i had difficulties with clairvoyance.. my gift is not in the visual. clairsentience is the easiest and strongest for me. i also found out that clairaudience came relatively naturally as well. we did an Om circle and i could hear the higher tones of the tao. i practiced this on my way home for about an hour. when i got home, i heard that ringing in my ear, so i decided to meditate upon it. (i was told that when you hear that ringing in your ears, it means there is a message waiting for you.)

i layed in my bed with some relaxing music in the background. i was working on cleansing breaths, really focusing on the general flow of my chi. my hands and feet went tingly and numb almost instantly and my limbs went dead, as if all the energy in my limbs emptied into my core for this session of work. i felt the familiar building of energy in my belly, but i didn't try to control it. the energy formed a large ball. it began moving as if it was a separate being inside of me (it was the most bizarre thing i've ever felt..) the being ball of energy rose up, pushing on the skin of my stomach. it was so powerful that i felt my body arch involuntarily, as if it was lifting my body. then it centered itself again, only to feel like it exploded. i felt a massive amount of energy surge through my lower chakras. i remember feeling small pains and knowing it was the energy opening my chakras even further. it went from my root to my sacral to my solar plexus and eventually shot up to my heart. i felt the pain in my entire chest as the energy stretched me. at that moment, i pictured myself in my heart's temple (a visualization i had done a couple times before to open my heart chakra) and the closer i stepped towards the flame of my heartbeat, the more energy my heartbeat shot out into my entire body. it felt like amazing jolts of electricity. like liquid fire! it then proceeded up my spine into my throat and my third eye and my crown. from time to time, i would experience random twitches in my legs and arms. by the time i had finished, i was exhausted and dehydrated.

i got up to blog about what had just happened, when i heard that ringing in my ear again. so once again, i went to meditate. this time, without even being directed, the energy began at my heart. it once again worked its way up into my third eye and crown. i began to get a headache, knowing the energy was trying to stretch out my upper chakras. i actually felt some pains on the top and back of my head.. like tiny needles pricking the scalp. i kept focusing on my breathing and allowing the energy to flow. the energy flow felt like a spiral, gyrating through me. i was seeing geometric shapes behind my eyes. i also saw the form of a serpent a few times. parts of my body felt like they were vibrating. after an hour, i decided it was time to stop. i felt open. light. 

i have felt an incredible amount of internal joy. i have awakened my kundalini serpent. i have read that once you awaken the serpent, there is no turning back. this excites me. though i am actually experiencing a fair amount of pain... i am reading that this is normal, as the kundalini will run its course, resetting things and altering things. 

i have been making such great strides in such short amounts of time that i wonder what it's all for. there is a reason that all of this is happening. i definitely feel that sense of purpose, but now i am just waiting for the specific purpose to reveal itself. until then, i'll keep on working and meditating and listening and feeling. 

feeling your pain

last week alex and i were continuing to experiment with our energies. i found that when we put our third eyes together (or made our third eyes make out) my throat almost immediately constricted. it was a very strong physical feeling in my throat. which was particularly strange, because alex's throat chakra is really blocked, so it was like i was feeling him through myself. we tried it again and he said he could feel my excess sexual energy. (still celibate whoo!) later we found out that the more open your heart chakra is, the more you will be able to feel others, even in your own body. 

i've been experimenting with this concept the past few days. i sat next to my dad, knees touching, and i could feel chest pains. (he has a heart condition.) i was brushing my moms hair and could feel so much energy in my sacral (emotional) chakra that it eventually ached. (she is utterly and completely ruled by her emotional response.) 

further investigation is required. 

If I took a lover,

he would be the gentle breeze. His cool breath against my shoulder would send the slightest of chills down my spine, causing steam to rise from the heat of my flesh, as if I were born of the hotsprings themselves. I would burn for him; I would find myself squirming under his very presence in anticipation. I would yearn for him; I would find myself unbearable in my warmth as long as he was near. I would shamelessly arch my body until his relief was across me once again.

If I took a lover, he would be the violent wind. I would stand on a hilltop underneath the gray moody skies, allowing him to toss my hair about, stinging my face. I would raise my arms to the fickle heavens, and he would tear my clothes off as if they never belonged on my body in the first place. I would open my mouth and take him in, breathing so deep that he could choke me if he so desired. The cold gusts and spirals would devour me like a willing sacrifice, and we would tumble down the hill together, feeling the wet grass caress the backs of our very beings.

If I took a lover, he would be the knowing gale. I would hear his voice calling to me from outside, beckoning me to come out so he could share his secrets of the sky with me and me alone. He would know my pains and he would know my pleasures. He would hear the question in my head and would caress my face with his answer. We would converse and laugh like old friends. He would flow into me like water into water. He would come into me without fear of repercussion or despair. I would take all of him into me and feel at home again. Finally. 

Finally. 

leary's theories

5/15/09 dreams:

In my family room. A party of sorts was going on in my house and outside. I looked out one of the side windows, where down in the yard, there was a large tree on its side. I saw something hiding underneath. I saw a face. It was the face of an alien. And it was hiding in my yard. It saw me look, so I got away from the window.

I'm not sure how, but then I saw that there was something acting as a mirror in the room. It reflected the alien hiding under the tree so it looked like it was actually in the room. A group of us got closer to the reflection, knowing it couldn't hurt us this way. When we got closer, we saw the alien was no longer a foreign face, but this strange lump of alien flesh with large reddish black glossy eyes. It was vaguely shaped like a really large rabbit. We studied it. Then looking to its side, saw that a human leg was developing on it. We realized something strange was happening. 

I went back to the window. The alien crawled out. But it wasn't an alien at all! It was a human man! He was maybe in his late 20s, shaggy brown hair, facial hair, completely normal human being. I ran outside to him, asking him what was going on. He had no idea what I was talking about. 

Then he joined the party. 

little noel's red balloon

5/17/09 dreams:

I was standing on the ground. It was mostly dark; the kind of dark that occurs about a half hour after the sun goes down. I knew I had to go and do something far away. I walked to the top of a hill that overlooked the valley I was just standing on. I ran, and jumped off the hill into the air. I began to fly, but was struggling and falling. I focused my thoughts and energy on flying. Above my head, I pictured 2 or 3 red balloons. (The number kept changing.) These balloons kept me in the air. When I wanted to change direction, I pictured wings like an airplane above my head, but they were made of the thinnest lightest paper. These helped me turn. I flew over rolling green hills, devoid of any other people. I looked into the horizon, and it was sunrise. However, the sun was so close to the earth that the earth had caught on fire. Embers were flying all around me, and I remember seeing the bright orange glow of the fire through my paper wings. To my left, the sky was still dark. It was beautiful; apocalyptic. 

I flew until I landed in this large building. It was flooding. There were still a few people evacuating, running in terror. I walked into this big dining room where I saw two people I knew: a boy I went to school with who I was infatuated with, and a girl whose face I can't recall. I went to them, and we decided to find higher ground. As we scurried about, we came across a woman who said she could save us. We followed her into the small opening at the base of a high tower. We crawled up a soft tunnel until we reached the small room at the top of the tower. It was swaying dangerously in the air. Looking out the windows, we saw there were many towers like this one. The woman told us that since she saved us, we would have to remain there indefinitely with her. We now felt the trap and all 3 of us quickly crawled out back into the flood. We sat at a bar in the dining room to think of our next plan. 

Just then, an older man grabbed my shoulders from behind, dragging me from the others. I screamed the boy's name, begging him to save me. I remember his face; it was afraid. I wasn't sure if he would save me. The older man pulled me into one of the towers, pulling me up the tunnel. We reached the top room. From the windows, I could see this tower was to the left of a stage in an opera house. In fact, it was an opera house I had performed in many times in the history of that particular dreamlife. It was dark. 

At the bottom, right behind the curtain of the stage, there was a little girl. They called her Little Noel. She was the star of this performance. She had a dark cloak with a hood on.. I could see some of the shadows on her face, and some of her deep brown hair, but not much else. She held a single red balloon. She had always held onto this red balloon.. it was her lifeforce. There was a darkness that always surrounded her, but her voice made you realize that beyond the darkness, she was filled with light. She was scary, but sort of special. 

The old man told me how this was Little Noel's last performance, laughing. When the curtains pulled back and Little Noel started her song, her balloon would pop, ending her life. I felt this strange animosity towards the little girl, but also felt the need to protect and save her. The old man turned his attention to something else. I remember thinking I could probably get away. I then struggled with myself, thinking, "Should I escape now? Or should I wait for ____ to save me?" (The name of the boy.. removed.) I quickly came to my senses, abandoning the damsel in distress. I ran at the windows, breaking through them. I used my flying skills to help ease myself to the ground, but I was still falling fast, and it was a long way down. 

As I was falling, I heard the old man's voice echo in my head. He said, "Don't be foolish, girl. That little girl down there is you. You cannot stop what is already done." 

I kept falling through the darkness, my eyes on the single red balloon below me. Tears came to my eyes as I realized Little Noel was me. (END DREAM)

transfer students

alex and i have been practicing controlling our energy flow. tuesday night, he tried transferring his energy to me, his fingers on my forehead. the next day, i had the most intense headache i've had in months, maybe years. i tried it on him, but it didn't really work. he is much better at pushing energy out of his body. i'm better at taking it in. so wednesday night, alex was feeling really irritable. we decided to experiment and see if he could transfer his irritable feelings to me. he put his palm to my forehead for awhile and concentrated. afterwards, he said he was feeling a little more relaxed. i could feel his energy seeping into me, but it wasn't a specific kind of energy. 15 minutes later, he started talking to me, and i found myself being short with him, almost snapping at him. i had no idea why. suddenly he smiled and said "you're irritable!" it was amazing. he helped me focus on moving the energy out of me, and i eventually pushed it down out of my body through my feet. i tried to transfer energy to him then; after pushing the irritable energy down my body, i was experiencing an excess of sexual energy. so i tried to transfer sexual energy to him. i figured out a good technique near the end that correlated with my breathing. he later said that it had worked. i can't wait to experiment more!!

we also did some scrying. he told me he saw my warrior and my inner child and one of my demons. i saw his warrior, but it wasn't as clear as i would have liked. his demon, however, was very clear... his eyes filled with black, and then started to boil and bubble over. he smiled at me, taunting me, like so many demons like to do.

onward and upwards

why i needed a confirmation so badly i'm not sure. i suppose when you've seen so much crazy infiltrate all that you hold dear, you worry that it's contagious. that those same things you hold dear are also an illusion. that the madness has also seeped into you, and you're actually not special at all.

a chain of events has begun that cannot be stopped now.

i feel... relief.

i needed to meet her, the healer. i needed her to tell me what she told me. i needed her to recognize my soul. and she did. she recognized all of my struggles and all of my trauma. she looked at me with tears in her eyes as she said, "you are beautiful. you are precious. you are special." she told me i had a big job ahead of me. she told me many things i couldn't even begin to reiterate as it wouldn't hold meaning on a page.

things are starting to come together. loose ends are connecting. relationships are making sense. if it weren't for alex and his presence in my life right now, i probably wouldn't have met her. i know i will miss him when i leave, because our connection is more meaningful to me right now than any other. i think there's a healing quality about him too.

it has been almost two months since i quit sex. i hadn't realized how completely my sexual abuse had affected every facet of my life in some way. recovery will be long and difficult, but it finally feels right. i've realized i need to re-imprint myself. (sounds like a perfect time for a R.A.W. excerpt...) i need to be rid of my negative associations and compulsions and blocks so i can be cleansed and ready for my tasks ahead. the unfortunate part of the recovery process is that it brings everything to the surface.. makes things that happened years ago seem recent and makes the wounds feel fresh. and then something happened only a few days ago.. it terrorized me and i was afraid all my progress was gone. i broke down in a way i haven't broken down in a while. only two days later, i think the healer drew out that trauma.. what felt horrible and helpless a few days ago now feels manageable.

all the books i'm reading and all the things people are telling me and all my experiences are connecting in a way that almost seems unnatural. though i suppose i forget that connections like these are natural as long as i'm open enough to recognize them.

i wonder what and who tomorrow will bring.

addiction

the near desperate pulling and pushing of flesh. 

a quiet clamor; 

the low hum of moral hesitation;

a sickened plea;

god damn it. 

craving more, requiring considerably less. 

can't be a woman

without

the.

feel.

of.

this.

skin.

oh god let me out;

but come in first!

god please;

god damn it. 

give us that sweet violence

though we are peaceful.

those bruises of passion

covering silken white creases. 

tension builds, builds, BUILDS.

the cup can't spilleth over

without encouragement;

can't i play with it? 

god damn it.