Empath

Like bees to the honeypot, they're drawn in. If I'd have known I'd have honey oozing from my eyes, acting as amber-shaded prisms all too easily giving away the light from within, maybe I'd have scooped 'em out with a rusted silver spoon years ago. But they come, friends and strangers alike, to rest wearily on my shoulder, weaving their tongues towards the honey I can cry for them. Every gift comes with its own price, its own sacrifice, its own karmic balance. Every gift has a purpose of its own, whether we share that purpose or not.

I can feel it all. Every twisted knot in your belly. Every vein of hurt behind your eyes. We are all books, every one of us. But not all of us know how to read.

And I have cradled her in my arms. That frail little thing, covered in scars and beauty. I stroked her hair lovingly, sinking into that warm black hole she resides in. She rarely speaks. But I have familiarized myself with the energy of silent agony, and she brings me back into it. She is eternally a small child, curled in the darkened corner of her mind.

And I have refused a respectable man. I could feel every growing inkling but could not say a word. I could see the small moves happening in my mind moments before they happened. And when confronted, I had to refuse. The pure crystalline of his eyes, the hard line of his lips above his dark brown beard threaded with a lovely unexpected silver, sent me reeling. Driving away much faster than I needed to, my eyes burst with the sting of misplaced rejection.

And in those moments of yours, when comfort swings towards dissatisfaction, when adoration swings towards anger, I feel myself tilt to adjust to the shifting energy. Crowds are a rage of sex and cynicism. Intentions become clear almost immediately, secret relations and longings are exposed, honest-to-goodness kindness is easily distinguished.

To feel humans like this more and more makes me feel less and less like human.

But this is why I'm here. And I have plenty of Light to share.

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley

Glory

Do you feel that?

Something is coming.

A swirling force of purples and blacks. Wrapped in shadow but wreathed in moonlight, dressed in turbulence and smelling faintly of romance. Stirring beneath black reflective pools, slivers of light quivering on the surface. Depth and madness and glory.

Something is coming.

Taste the power on your tongue and prepare yourself for something frighteningly beautiful and wretchedly amazing.

Eclipse

January 15th of this year was the annual solar eclipse. I woke up in the middle of the night writhing in pain. It went away after an hour or so, and the following day was filled with learning and Light. I thought it was coincidental that the pain came the same time the eclipse did, but I didn't think much of it.

This past Saturday I was in the worst of moods for no reason. I was irritated and overly emotional and withdrawn and very crabby. I was hanging out with a friend, trying to enjoy the festivities in the cities and the day, but I was fighting tears the entire time. It seemed that my past was haunting me, flaunting itself in my face in many ways. By the end of the day, I just broke. Complete temporary breakdown. I started crying uncontrollably for reasons I didn't comprehend. I was completely overcome with emotion. I let it all out. I let myself cry and scream until I couldn't anymore. The next day, I felt lighter, more positive. It wasn't until today that I found out Saturday was the full moon partial eclipse.

I am officially recognizing that the eclipses energetically affect me. (Solar eclipses bring that creative driving force, while lunar eclipses bring that emotional force, that cleansing.) So on July 11th, there will be a total solar eclipse. I want to spend the day focusing on my goals. I want to meditate and work with my creativity and abundance. I would love it if some of my friends would like to get together with me and do the same. Even just to talk about our lives and goals.

Let's take advantage of and flow with the energy that will ruling the day anyways. :D

One night, my mind was utterly connected to the stream of EVERYTHING. I sat down at this computer to write the most beautiful story of connectedness I had ever thought of. But as I sat here, I was only able to write the following words:

Little pieces. Everywhere. In everyone.

Keeper of Time

The first time I saw him it was in a dream.

It was months ago. In my dream, I opened my eyes and sat up in my bed. Everything was exactly the same in my room as it was when I fell asleep. But there were two small impish creatures next to my bed.. they were blue and glowing. One was male, one was female. They were chained to eachother and couldn't break free. They looked miserable, tired, imprisoned. They reminded me of The Devil Tarot card. The male was trying to ask for my help. I was frightened, and ran towards my door.

And there he was. He was as tall as the door itself. He was dark and cloaked. I could not see his face, but he held something in his hand. At times it looked like a box, and at times it looked like a clock. He said nothing, but I understood his implications. To me, he was the Keeper of Time. As I ran through him and out my door, I heard in my mind that I could never escape him. He wasn't trying to hurt me, but he wasn't trying to help me. He was neither good nor bad, he just was. He always kept a close eye on me, and it seemed he was getting closer.

That image of him made a huge impact on me. He felt real to me. Not quite a guardian, but something of the sort. Someone important perhaps.

A month later, I was meditating. I was doing a heart chakra meditation where I visited my temple. But I saw something very different from my usual temple. I saw the cloaked man again. Only, this time, he held a limp woman in his arms. She looked dead, or close to it. I watched him carry her to a temple of stones in ruin. There was one stone untouched. It was a sacrificial table. He lifted her up and delicately set her down on this stone.

Then I saw that the woman was me.

My path through Portland

I had been contemplating going to Portland since my breakup with Alex in February. It seemed like the perfect time. It seemed like a brilliant escape. I wasn't sure though. It felt like the right thing to do, even though it didn't feel entirely like what I actually wanted. My friend Cody asked if I could be there by May 20th. So I was thinking about it. The plan was that we would start in Portland and travel around for the summer.

In mid April, I had a dream. In my dream, I had been taken through this portal into South America. Peru, to be more specific. I have been dreaming of South America for years, before I even knew what it looked like. Anyways, in this particular dream, I was taken to Machu Picchu. It was incredibly real and incredibly vivid. I heard a voice tell me that I should apply for my passport. Near the end of the dream, I found myself in North America again. A white flag appeared in the sky. Then it turned into the American flag, and a huge eagle appeared in front of it. The flag wrapped itself around the eagle, turned white again, and then the eagle flew towards South America. This part seemed significant to me, but I had absolutely no idea what the hell it meant.

The next day, I began researching Peru, now feeling like I had to go there eventually. I serendipitously found myself on this website about a spiritual messenger in Peru named Willaru Huayta. He is said to be a direct descendant of the ancient Inca civilization. Nothing really struck me until I read one of his prophecies: "When the eagle of the North and the condor of the South fly together, the earth will awaken."

I was absolutely dumbfounded. Instantly, it was like a slideshow of my dream played in my mind and connected with this prophecy. I decided to e-mail Willaru and see if he could shed any light on my dream. While searching for a contact e-mail address, I instead came across a list of tour dates on the west coast during May...he was spending a month in the US spreading his message. May would be the only month he would be in the US for the entire year. On the list, I saw he would be in Portland on May 25th, only 5 days after my friends wanted me to be in Portland. It all seemed to click, and I booked my flight that same day. I would talk to him in person rather than e-mail.

When I got to Portland, my friends picked me up from the airport. It was almost instantaneous.. it felt off. I can't even explain it, but it didn't feel right that I was there. I spent the next day and a half feeling upset and close to tears (or in tears) because I felt so wrong. I was confused because it had felt so right before. But my intuition was screaming at me.. I wasn't suppose to be here and I wasn't suppose to do this. This wasn't the life I needed to lead at the time.

I am sorry to say that I upset and disappointed my friends when I left them. I feel sadness for that. But at the same time, I needed to do it. I went and stayed with a longdistance coworker of my father's. This woman, Kristin, and her family took me in with open and welcoming arms for the week. They were absolutely wonderful. They helped me explore and see the city before I had to leave again. The plan was that I would go see Willaru speak on the 25th, and then leave back to MN a few days later.

I sat in a room with a handful of other people, the majority of them much older than myself, and listened to Willaru speak. His messages were profound, rooted in love and simplicity. I often had to close my eyes and listen with my heart, because his accent was so thick. He was a true master; gentle, humorous, simple, profound, humble. I became nervous, wondering what I would say to him. But afterwards, I simply went up to him and said, "I had a dream that led me here." I explained it to him, and I could see his eyes light up in a combination of surprise and recognition. He gave me a card with his contact information on it, and told me that if I felt called, he would host me in Peru for additional teachings.

So this is where I am now. I am corresponding with Willaru over e-mail for now. I would like to save up enough money, and prepare myself spiritually, to go on a pilgrimage to Peru.

After that meeting, all my tension was released. I felt like I had gotten what I went there for. I felt like my mission had been completed. And now I couldn't be happier that I am home again.

The Universe works in very strange ways, but it knows what it's doing. I submitted to its will entirely, without knowing why, and I was led to the right places at the right time. I feel wonderful.