first stranger connection - check!

the second day in salt lake, a few of us walked to this really cool coffeeshop called alchemy. there, we met the barista working, named paul. shelley and derek, the people we were staying with, knew him. when being introduced, our eyes connected for a moment and i saw a flicker of light. now that i think about it, i really did visually see it. at that moment, i knew our spirits were somehow connected on another plane. we didn't talk then at all though. when i walked out of the coffeeshop, however, i noticed that i felt like i was rolling. the energy from my heart chakra up to my crown chakra was absolutely radiant.. i felt like i was 7 feet tall. i knew that it was his own energy that i had picked up. 

as fate would have it, shelley and derek were having a little party that evening and had invited him. this was his first time coming over to their house ironically. when he showed up, i eventually got around to talking to him. since i partially already knew him (and since i had a little whiskey in my belly) it was easy to arrive at a spiritual point in the conversation. turns out he has traveled the world learning from various spiritual peoples, he is a reiki healer, he was given a spiritual name at a young age (this name being shiva), and practices native american spiritual disciplines as well. 

when he overheard me saying my back was hurting, he offered to do some healing therapy on it. i agreed wholeheartedly. during this process..

"you are very loved."

"by who? the universe?"

"yeah by the universe." 

"i hope so. i'm experiencing some fear in that department."

i later asked him how important he thought it was to have a spiritual mentor. (this has been a burning question for me in the past few months.) he told me that everyone i ever knew and will know are my spiritual mentors, and it's up to me to decide how much i want to take from each person. this both frustrated me and put me at ease. i feel like i should have a mentor to direct my spiritual development in the right way. but while looking up at the stars that night, i remember thinking, the only relationship that really matters is the one that the Divine and i share. no one could possibly truly understand the depth since it's such an intimate, unspoken thing. 

"what are you looking for in a spiritual mentor?"

hesitation.

"confirmation? recognition?"

i nod.

"you are doing great things in your life." 

as a sort of goodbye, we put our third eyes together and experienced an amazing magnetism and energy. we thanked eachother. 

demons and visions

i am in the middle of the roadtrip from portland to new mexico. right now we're staying at some friends of laaz and cody's in salt lake city.

i have experienced so many varying emotions and moods since i have been gone that it's almost ridiculous. i've gone from being completely amazed and infused with love by the new surroundings, to panicking and wondering where i am and missing alex horribly. i don't think i've ever had to make such a huge adjustment before, so it's pretty normal, but i'm still really working on meditation and visualization to put me at ease. there have been moments where i fear the universe and its plan for me... which is the worst thing i could do. so i need to merge myself back into the tao without fear and with an open heart.

i had a few nights where i had my familiar demon dreams again. one of the mornings, i woke up with a ton of scratches on my chest (right at the door of my heart chakra) and even some on my legs, stomach, and face. i think that they are attacking me in my vulnerability.. in being away from who i love, and are trying to feed me fear. after talking about it with alex, i think it may have stopped. last night my dreams were demonfree.

something very strange happened two days ago.. i was meditating, working on a "hear your inner voice" visualization.. i was visualizing a green garden filled with pink light and rose quartz crystals all over the ground. but suddenly, i was given an entirely different vision... it was twilight.. right when the sun sinks below the horizon and the sky is mostly dark blue with hints of orange and pink near the bottom. it was in the desert. there was a small cliff wall to the left, and the rest of the space was desert sand. however, there were large animal bones scattered in the sand, along with a few rocks. there was a woman standing on one of these rocks... she wore this white dress that really just looked like a silk sheet torn and wrapped around her body. she had shoulder length dark hair. she was tall and curvy but slender. she looked both powerful and delicate; gentle and menacing. she was staring at me, though i couldn't make out her facial features. and her arm was outstretched, pointing to something on the right. before i could tell what she was pointing to, someone spoke to me and my concentration was broken.

my owl my love

6/8/09 dreams:

there was a small group of people crouched on the ground outside. i went to see what was going on... there was a big beautiful owl sitting on the ground and everyone was trying to get a look. i also crouched down to see it.

then the owl took off, but landed, perched on my shoulder. we seemed to bond for a few moments. then he sat on the ground right in front of me, and nuzzled up into my arms. we were loving eachother. then he perched up on my shoulder again, trying to express his love by nuzzling my neck and my head and my shoulder and my back. while he was trying to do this, his talons were digging into my skin. it was incredibly painful. the way he was trying to love me was causing me pain. i wanted to stay and bond with the owl, but i was bleeding and hurting so i had to get away. when i distanced myself from the owl, he became mad, as if he was angry i wasn't loving him. so then he wanted to attack me. it hurt me that this was happening but i went and hid in my room.

a while later, my door was pushed open by two tiny little animals. they were the owls babies.. but he had cross-breeded with either a rabbit or a fox and these two little animals were the result. they were so cute and i loved them so much, that when the owl came in next, i welcomed him in.

arwen's song

with a sigh

you turn away

with a deepening heart

no words to say

you will find

that the world has changed forever

the trees are now turning from green to gold

and the sun is now fading

i wish i could hold you closer

awakening my kundalini serpent

what an interesting couple of days it has been. the pattern that i've noticed is that many amazing things will happen consecutively in one day, followed by a few days of peace or transition or reflection. 

monday and tuesday were not good days. the world felt off. i felt disconnected and removed from the people i care about the most. something was missing and i could feel its gloomy lack of presence. i found my tarot deck and did a one-card reading, asking what the problem was. my answer was the queen of swords. of all the cards, i drew that one. she seemed to jump out at me from the card, screaming at me. i then knew that one of the problems was the fact that i hadn't burned the nate box on saturday like i had planned. i resolved i would do it the next day. then i did another reading that claimed there was a piece of information omitted from me. i asked my dreams to deliver the information that night. 

i dreamt that a girl i knew from school was with me. suddenly she was not a girl, but an orange candle. the candle was not lit, but it/she was melting all over the place. a dream narrator then said that we had something in common: she was sexually abused when she was 7, and i was sexually abused when i was 6. then i started vomiting orange candle wax. it kept spilling out of my mouth uncontrollably. 

when i woke up, i felt i was suppose to find out if something really did happen when i was 6 or not. it wasn't until later that i realized that wasn't the point of the dream. the point was the orange candle wax. since i've been working so much on my chakras, i realized that the orange candle wax represented my orange, or sacral, chakra. this chakra houses the sexual identity, as well as the development of personal boundaries. by the candle melting all over the place, it represented the lack of my personal boundaries and the suffering that followed, including an unhealthy sexual identity and lack of genuine sexual pleasure. when i was vomiting the candle wax, it was an indication that i have cleansed myself of those sufferings and i was getting rid of all the old negative energy, making room for the new positive energy. 

that day, i finally burned the box. it felt good ridding myself of unnecessary reminders of irrelevant pasts. 

that evening, i went to a free intuition development class that i had won at the healing symposium. while there, we did 3 exercises, one for clairvoyance, one for clairaudience and one for clairsentience. i had difficulties with clairvoyance.. my gift is not in the visual. clairsentience is the easiest and strongest for me. i also found out that clairaudience came relatively naturally as well. we did an Om circle and i could hear the higher tones of the tao. i practiced this on my way home for about an hour. when i got home, i heard that ringing in my ear, so i decided to meditate upon it. (i was told that when you hear that ringing in your ears, it means there is a message waiting for you.)

i layed in my bed with some relaxing music in the background. i was working on cleansing breaths, really focusing on the general flow of my chi. my hands and feet went tingly and numb almost instantly and my limbs went dead, as if all the energy in my limbs emptied into my core for this session of work. i felt the familiar building of energy in my belly, but i didn't try to control it. the energy formed a large ball. it began moving as if it was a separate being inside of me (it was the most bizarre thing i've ever felt..) the being ball of energy rose up, pushing on the skin of my stomach. it was so powerful that i felt my body arch involuntarily, as if it was lifting my body. then it centered itself again, only to feel like it exploded. i felt a massive amount of energy surge through my lower chakras. i remember feeling small pains and knowing it was the energy opening my chakras even further. it went from my root to my sacral to my solar plexus and eventually shot up to my heart. i felt the pain in my entire chest as the energy stretched me. at that moment, i pictured myself in my heart's temple (a visualization i had done a couple times before to open my heart chakra) and the closer i stepped towards the flame of my heartbeat, the more energy my heartbeat shot out into my entire body. it felt like amazing jolts of electricity. like liquid fire! it then proceeded up my spine into my throat and my third eye and my crown. from time to time, i would experience random twitches in my legs and arms. by the time i had finished, i was exhausted and dehydrated.

i got up to blog about what had just happened, when i heard that ringing in my ear again. so once again, i went to meditate. this time, without even being directed, the energy began at my heart. it once again worked its way up into my third eye and crown. i began to get a headache, knowing the energy was trying to stretch out my upper chakras. i actually felt some pains on the top and back of my head.. like tiny needles pricking the scalp. i kept focusing on my breathing and allowing the energy to flow. the energy flow felt like a spiral, gyrating through me. i was seeing geometric shapes behind my eyes. i also saw the form of a serpent a few times. parts of my body felt like they were vibrating. after an hour, i decided it was time to stop. i felt open. light. 

i have felt an incredible amount of internal joy. i have awakened my kundalini serpent. i have read that once you awaken the serpent, there is no turning back. this excites me. though i am actually experiencing a fair amount of pain... i am reading that this is normal, as the kundalini will run its course, resetting things and altering things. 

i have been making such great strides in such short amounts of time that i wonder what it's all for. there is a reason that all of this is happening. i definitely feel that sense of purpose, but now i am just waiting for the specific purpose to reveal itself. until then, i'll keep on working and meditating and listening and feeling. 

feeling your pain

last week alex and i were continuing to experiment with our energies. i found that when we put our third eyes together (or made our third eyes make out) my throat almost immediately constricted. it was a very strong physical feeling in my throat. which was particularly strange, because alex's throat chakra is really blocked, so it was like i was feeling him through myself. we tried it again and he said he could feel my excess sexual energy. (still celibate whoo!) later we found out that the more open your heart chakra is, the more you will be able to feel others, even in your own body. 

i've been experimenting with this concept the past few days. i sat next to my dad, knees touching, and i could feel chest pains. (he has a heart condition.) i was brushing my moms hair and could feel so much energy in my sacral (emotional) chakra that it eventually ached. (she is utterly and completely ruled by her emotional response.) 

further investigation is required. 

If I took a lover,

he would be the gentle breeze. His cool breath against my shoulder would send the slightest of chills down my spine, causing steam to rise from the heat of my flesh, as if I were born of the hotsprings themselves. I would burn for him; I would find myself squirming under his very presence in anticipation. I would yearn for him; I would find myself unbearable in my warmth as long as he was near. I would shamelessly arch my body until his relief was across me once again.

If I took a lover, he would be the violent wind. I would stand on a hilltop underneath the gray moody skies, allowing him to toss my hair about, stinging my face. I would raise my arms to the fickle heavens, and he would tear my clothes off as if they never belonged on my body in the first place. I would open my mouth and take him in, breathing so deep that he could choke me if he so desired. The cold gusts and spirals would devour me like a willing sacrifice, and we would tumble down the hill together, feeling the wet grass caress the backs of our very beings.

If I took a lover, he would be the knowing gale. I would hear his voice calling to me from outside, beckoning me to come out so he could share his secrets of the sky with me and me alone. He would know my pains and he would know my pleasures. He would hear the question in my head and would caress my face with his answer. We would converse and laugh like old friends. He would flow into me like water into water. He would come into me without fear of repercussion or despair. I would take all of him into me and feel at home again. Finally. 

Finally.