center of the universe

i had a vision. i did not seek it; it sought me.

it was as if i zoomed out and above my body. i looked down on myself. above my head was a large nebulous ball of violet/white/pink light. i acknowledged it as my crown chakra. around my crown chakra, the universe circled and twirled around it.

and with the image, came the understanding and wisdom. it has taken me a week or so to find the words to describe, for words seem a pathetic means of this extraordinary understanding. even now, i am not satisfied with them for they pale in comparison.

your crown chakra is where you find nothingness. it is pure consciousness. pure divinity. absolute being. it is neither here nor there. timeless, spaceless. absolute freedom. the universe that circles this center of absolute being is Chaos. it is where time and space reside, where dualities exist and dance, where our earthly existence develops. it is the storm, and the crown chakra is the eye of the same storm. however, this Chaos is not the opposite of absolute being, because absolute being has no opposite in itself. it is just as it is.

as we live and grow, we are part of this amazing, chaotic storm. we experience and ride all sorts of waves. we are born, we age, we die, we are reborn. it is natural and inescapable. in our powerlessness over birth and death, we seek to plant roots and develop stability. things we can control. and we find that we fail everytime. Eris knows no roots.

if we are able to step into our crown chakras, our christ consciousness, we find ourselves out of the storm. we are taken to a place where we are nothing. where time and space are replaced with blissful emptiness. to connect yourselves with this state of being and establishing an understanding, you can, in essence, attach an etheric rope that holds you to your state of pure being. you can jump back into the twirling Chaos, filled with the inner peace of knowing you can pull yourself into your christ consciousness at anytime you wish. you realize there is no reason to be frantic. no reason to panic. no need to control everything you can. you can play in the storm and ride the waves, knowing that divinity and peace is always within your reach and within yourself.

experiencing this makes it obvious to me that the center of the universe is my crown chakra. and your crown chakra. everyone's crown chakras. and not just metaphorically, but literally also. if the entire universe orbits around this massive center of pure being, and our crown chakras are our very real connection to that pure being, then a=b. you cannot argue with semantics, i.e. (how can both of our crown chakras BOTH be the single center of the universe?), because absolute being is timeless and spaceless. it cannot be bothered with restrictions and bindings. the absolute being of my crown is also yours. we are one. we are all connected in that way. we are all connected by our divine consciousness.

it is a very powerful thing.

experiencing God

Carl Jung described himself as having two personalities. His No 1 personality was his rational self; his scientific fact driven mind, his ability to function and progress within society. His No 2 personality was his sacred self; the part of him that felt direct experience with God when he was alone and unafraid of the consequences of such experience. With his No 2, he always felt he had a secret to keep. The secret of experiencing God in such a direct manner. There are so few who experience God in this way, and both myself and Jung have found that God cannot be experienced like this in church. That observation brings with it a wave of shame, however, coming from a Christian home with Christian values and dogma burned in the mind. Jung's difficulties with his sacred self have actually become a small comfort to me as I integrate my own sacred self. 

Friday night, I dreamt Alex and I were walking up a staircase, and we met a woman who was walking down it. She looked straight through my soul, and was complaining that she couldn't breathe. At the bottom, she fell. She went limp, but around her body was a vibrant blue light, with a white streak through her chest, and red and purple at the edges of the blue. I was freaking out.. I wondered if she was going through a healing, and then I wondered if I was the one doing it. 

Saturday morning, Erika called. Her friend Michelle was in the hospital, comatose and close to death. Her lungs had filled from a bad case of pneumonia, and she acquired some sort of lung disease on top of that. It wasn't getting better. She asked if I could help. I readily agreed and met up with her a few hours later. We got to the hospital, where Erika explained to the nurses that I was a healer. I had to put on a mask before I went in the room, and when I entered, I was immediately intimidated and slightly terrified. Michelle was strapped sideways to a mechanical bed, completely out, tubes going and coming everywhere. Alas, it seemed to be the same woman from the dream. I proceeded to do a session on her, as 6 or 7 waves of strong energy came through me. The heat was incredible. I used the color techniques the dream had shown me. Michelle was resigned inside herself.. she was not fighting. I energetically encouraged her to fight and to hold on and told her that her life was in her own hands as well. 

Afterwards, I was exhausted and dizzy. Erika told me that during the session, her oxygen levels had spiked from 86 to 95. I left feeling small. So small. I cried the whole way home, overwhelmed by the prospect of having this kind of impact on someone's actual life. Two hours later, Erika called and told me Michelle's vitals had stabilized and she was nearly off the ventilator. Erika and Michelle's husband were extremely grateful to me, and instead of giving me more confidence in my abilities, it just made me feel smaller in this world. In a good way though, I think. Humbler. The power of God is a mighty thing. 

walking without crutches

i came into this world with depression. 

my earliest, and one of the few, memories i have is still tainted by a melancholy i couldn't even begin to name at the time. then there are pieces missing. large years of pieces of memories i have no recollection of. maybe alex was right. maybe nothing happened in those years. just years of the same nothingness. 

i don't remember being a kid. maybe because i never really was. i didn't ever get that sense of carelessness- that freedom. i didn't really get play. maybe that's why i have such a desire to play now. even so, i can still feel my body locking up, putting up its guards automatically, whenever there is play around me. 

i wonder what could have happened in my previous life that is has caused me to be so heavily weighed down by it that sadness has been the only constant in my changing life. what is the burden i've forced myself to bear?

i had never felt real happiness or real peace until my awakening this year. ever. i would like to say that i exaggerate, but i don't. the silent agony had always been my companion. the only thing i could count on. and now, i have been fighting a conscious battle not to allow the sadness to comfort me as i use to allow it. 

i will not use the melancholy as a crutch. 

it's strange how my inner landscape has changed. it had been a barren place of black and dark grays splashed with red. it was a place carved in dark stone and layered in fog, magical somehow. a little beautiful in its dark power. i was attracted to it in my loneliness. i felt dark and powerful. now, my inner landscape has been touched by the most divine of golden light, and it is a land teeming with animals and spirits and this incredible sense of peace and acceptance. the darkness is still there in places, and i still have yet to explore them to let them go, but i'm not helpless to them anymore. 

i laid in a pile of leaves with my lover today, underneath the unexpectedly warm sun, and felt. an absolute state of simply BEING. i just was. (I AM.) there was no wanting and no wishing and no doing. i was full. in that moment, i had more than i could ever hope to have in an entire lifetime. simple contentedness. simple peace. 

i am. simple peace. 

i want to go home.

i want to go home. 

this is a lonely place. 

i want to go home. 

i want to go home. 

i want to feel embraced. 

loved.

i want to go home. 

my real HOME. 

blue pearls and walk-ins

my dreams are beginning to appear as abstractions rather than situations and symbols. most of the 'regular' dreams i'm having are ones that bring my insecurities to the surface, as if my mind is not letting me repress my fears any longer, and forcing me to deal with them head on. a few symbolic dreams remain, most of those involving strange pregnancies or tornadoes. 

but the abstractions hit harder. i wake up, knowing i am bathed in light of certain colors or emotions. i dream of light. some nights i dream i am resting in a pool of warm golden light. other nights it is a cooler blue. a few times it has been black; just black all around me, and i am filled with an overwhelming feeling of aloneness. when the black ones started, i would wake up suddenly, gasping, as the absolute darkness frightened me. but now i just let myself exist in it. 

waves and wisps of light continue traveling across my awareness in both sleep and wakefulness. this light is usually white or violet, but other colors at times. lately, i have been seeing more gold and green than usual. other times, there are little sparkles of stars, usually white or blue or violet. 

when i close my eyes, i see a violet sphere, appearing to come out of my third eye. sometimes it's blue, sometimes it's gold, but most of the time it remains violet. it recedes from my forehead as if it is being sent into the world outside myself. at times i see it when my eyes are still open. i read that this is often called "The Blue Pearl" and is a symbol of awakened Kundalini and enlightenment. when you see it, you are said to see your soul and every infinite source within it. though i can't yet explain its significance to myself, i do admit that it gives me a fleeting feeling of "HOME" when i see it. 

the ringing in my ears has become more like the sound of rain in my head. when i'm in that stage between sleep and wakefulness, i hear more elaborate sounds, like bells ringing or whispers. the bells have woken me up many times, and sometimes the whispers do. i remember one time when i woke up to a very loud voice whispering "Fine!" it sounded very annoyed with me... probably because i couldn't hear it before that moment.

my identity falls further and further into abstraction. it becomes harder and harder to relate to the experiences of my past, and the person i was. it's harder to relate to my family and friends now, also.. they seem removed from me somehow. like our bond is no longer the same. 

perhaps it's the possibility that "I" am not who "I" was before. months ago, i was bargaining with my life. i gave my full surrender and submission. and i'm not sure what suddenly changed inside me, for i didn't consciously feel the switch flip inside. did "I" actually die that melancholic month? did someone else, a different soul, the new "I", walk in? making part of this confusion, this separation, part of the integration process of this new soul? that makes me question myself, and who "I" am. it makes me realize that "I" is simply a concept for the physical body, and has little relevance to the soul itself. how could that sad girl be receiving all these spiritual gifts? she condemned all the world and its inhabitants for her years of suffering...she hardly seems the right candidate for the tools to spiritual fulfillment. how could these things be happening if  someone more deserving hadn't stepped in to take her place? i look around my room at all my stuff, and it feels like "her" room and "her" stuff. i can feel her energy, separate from mine. it feels sad and lonely. i feel sad for her. 

i am looking into reiki training classes. i have been called as a lightworker, i already know that. inside, i question whether reiki is the right modality for me though. reiki hasn't clicked in my intuition yet, and that worries me. 

have i gone crazy?

...for real, this time? 

reality seems to be slipping away.

and though, for the first time ever, i feel like things are finally starting to fit,

and mysteries are finally starting to make sense,

i am hearing "you've lost it." 

though i feel like i've gained "it" 

i am hearing "you're acting crazy." 

though i'm not acting. 

but i'm also hearing whispers and bells that aren't there.

so...um...shit.

word.

join an Order that devotes itself to Chaos?

what foolishness is this?

join the Chaos that devotes itself to Order? 

hmph.

clearly, Nonexistence is the only path of nondualism.

but to have Nonexistence there must be existence, which is still dualist. 

and to have nondualism, there must be dualism. 

oh boy. semantics. 

words... meaningful to a point, then just a 3 ring circus of past present and future expressions that cycle around eachother endlessly to amuse and entertain us. 

the Tao that can be named is not the eternal Name. 

if we are all God, if the Universe is us, if we are all the Tao, then literally anything that can be named is not its true Name. so none of our written and spoken words are our real words. EVER.

until we can figure out how to communicate honestly, i suppose we will have to rely on these words. which is unfortunate since miscommunication is more common that understanding. 

i still love words though. they are delicious. i will continue to enjoy them until i master ESP. 

oh! but, given all this, wouldn't the truest form of intuition be kinetic-- merely feelings? for with hearing, we hear words and sounds. with sight, we see images we've been taught to label and categorize with words. with feelings, most of the time, we cannot truly describe that which we feel with appropriate words. most of the time we don't even express these feelings for that very reason.

our feelings are not measured in words. i would more readily put my trust in someone who tells me that "it just feels so." than someone who could explain themselves in a logical and persuasive manner with words.  

it's enough to make you dizzy. 

"HE WHO KNOWS DOES NOT SPEAK.

HE WHO SPEAKS DOES NOT KNOW."

lao tzu