My path through Portland

I had been contemplating going to Portland since my breakup with Alex in February. It seemed like the perfect time. It seemed like a brilliant escape. I wasn't sure though. It felt like the right thing to do, even though it didn't feel entirely like what I actually wanted. My friend Cody asked if I could be there by May 20th. So I was thinking about it. The plan was that we would start in Portland and travel around for the summer.

In mid April, I had a dream. In my dream, I had been taken through this portal into South America. Peru, to be more specific. I have been dreaming of South America for years, before I even knew what it looked like. Anyways, in this particular dream, I was taken to Machu Picchu. It was incredibly real and incredibly vivid. I heard a voice tell me that I should apply for my passport. Near the end of the dream, I found myself in North America again. A white flag appeared in the sky. Then it turned into the American flag, and a huge eagle appeared in front of it. The flag wrapped itself around the eagle, turned white again, and then the eagle flew towards South America. This part seemed significant to me, but I had absolutely no idea what the hell it meant.

The next day, I began researching Peru, now feeling like I had to go there eventually. I serendipitously found myself on this website about a spiritual messenger in Peru named Willaru Huayta. He is said to be a direct descendant of the ancient Inca civilization. Nothing really struck me until I read one of his prophecies: "When the eagle of the North and the condor of the South fly together, the earth will awaken."

I was absolutely dumbfounded. Instantly, it was like a slideshow of my dream played in my mind and connected with this prophecy. I decided to e-mail Willaru and see if he could shed any light on my dream. While searching for a contact e-mail address, I instead came across a list of tour dates on the west coast during May...he was spending a month in the US spreading his message. May would be the only month he would be in the US for the entire year. On the list, I saw he would be in Portland on May 25th, only 5 days after my friends wanted me to be in Portland. It all seemed to click, and I booked my flight that same day. I would talk to him in person rather than e-mail.

When I got to Portland, my friends picked me up from the airport. It was almost instantaneous.. it felt off. I can't even explain it, but it didn't feel right that I was there. I spent the next day and a half feeling upset and close to tears (or in tears) because I felt so wrong. I was confused because it had felt so right before. But my intuition was screaming at me.. I wasn't suppose to be here and I wasn't suppose to do this. This wasn't the life I needed to lead at the time.

I am sorry to say that I upset and disappointed my friends when I left them. I feel sadness for that. But at the same time, I needed to do it. I went and stayed with a longdistance coworker of my father's. This woman, Kristin, and her family took me in with open and welcoming arms for the week. They were absolutely wonderful. They helped me explore and see the city before I had to leave again. The plan was that I would go see Willaru speak on the 25th, and then leave back to MN a few days later.

I sat in a room with a handful of other people, the majority of them much older than myself, and listened to Willaru speak. His messages were profound, rooted in love and simplicity. I often had to close my eyes and listen with my heart, because his accent was so thick. He was a true master; gentle, humorous, simple, profound, humble. I became nervous, wondering what I would say to him. But afterwards, I simply went up to him and said, "I had a dream that led me here." I explained it to him, and I could see his eyes light up in a combination of surprise and recognition. He gave me a card with his contact information on it, and told me that if I felt called, he would host me in Peru for additional teachings.

So this is where I am now. I am corresponding with Willaru over e-mail for now. I would like to save up enough money, and prepare myself spiritually, to go on a pilgrimage to Peru.

After that meeting, all my tension was released. I felt like I had gotten what I went there for. I felt like my mission had been completed. And now I couldn't be happier that I am home again.

The Universe works in very strange ways, but it knows what it's doing. I submitted to its will entirely, without knowing why, and I was led to the right places at the right time. I feel wonderful.

Am I dead or just aware?

I had a very strange moment yesterday...

I was very tired, in that partially asleep, spacey zone. In this state, I suddenly realized that I might be dead.

It might seem silly now, but it felt entirely plausible at the time. I was honestly considering the possibility that everything around me was created in my own mind, and I was just waiting for something or someone to make me remember that I was dead. I honestly could not tell if I was still alive.

So in that moment, I was neither. I wasn't alive and I wasn't dead. I was forced to accept my existence, in whatever form it was in. I decided that if I was alive, I could handle it. I decided that if I was dead, I could also handle it. It was very much like being in that meditative void.

I started paying attention to everything that was going on in the background. Where I was, who was around me, what conversations strangers were having in my hearing range.. thinking, "If I am dead and I created this reality, these places and these strangers and their conversations must have meaning to me somehow." So I picked out pieces of personal meaning in everything around me.. things that would usually seem completely unrelated to my existence. And actually.. it worked! I was able to delve into myself on levels I had neglected and shed some new light on those levels.

Maybe I've been watching too much LOST, but it really altered my perspective on things. In a way, we're all dead, wandering our own created realities, waiting to remember WHO WE ARE.

We have created so much of our worlds, but then we don't even pay attention to what we've built! There are pieces of us in everything around us. It's strange how we can become so unaware...

Am I dead or just aware?

fast-track evolution, baby.

I'm just waiting for this strange story to play out.

I can't explain anything or give any conclusions yet. Everything hangs in the air like the everpresent rain here in Portland.

Listening to my intuition and following the guidance of the Universe has twisted my expectations in ways I couldn't even begin to predict. I was strangely disturbed and delighted when I found out how quickly and how intensely my guidance came into play.

I am exactly where I am suppose to be exactly when I am suppose to be. Can't tell you how or why or what will come of it.

Tomorrow, you hold such promise and intrigue.

what if these words were nothing more than an internal illusion

no beginning. no end. just time.
and my whispers were scattered in the wind.

would you hear anything outside the sound of your own heartbeat?

[overdependency.]

Overdependency manifests with many different faces. [as long as it's not our own face.] We avoid ourselves so! We cannot seem to bear the sight and responsibility of our own face, so we force that responsibility onto other faces.

When you ask someone you love to change, what are you asking? Are you not looking into a mirror of yourself, seeing something you dislike, and then asking the mirror to change instead of you? You cannot change them. You can only change yourself.

A spiritual respect must remain in tact for eachother's individual growths for a relationship to work, and demanding change is harmful. You must know when to move on. It seems that so many people are in unhealthy, unsatisfied relationships, because they are just waiting for their partner to change. They suffer, they victimize themselves, they become resentful. They focus on the shortcomings of their partner, their mirror, rather than seeing themselves in their true and sometimes unflattering forms. It is better to be unhappy with another person than be unhappy with yourself it seems. [overdependency.]

When you are hurt by someone, you want them to apologize for their crimes so you can move on. You cry and suffer until they comfort you. You feel you cannot heal until you hear "I'm sorry" from someone. Why do you need their apologetic blessing anyways? It may soothe your emotional sharpness, but it doesn't change anything that happened. I'm not saying you cannot forgive, for forgiveness is an amazing and necessary experience. But I am saying that they have no claim over you and your happiness and freedom. You don't need their approval to move on or heal. [overdependency.]

TRUE healing comes from within. It is not reliant upon the admissions of those who hurt you. If you can learn that you don't need to hear "I'm sorry" to gain closure, the freedom comes. No one can heal you. You can only heal yourself.

PLEASE- look at yourself in the mirror. Honestly look at yourself for ten minutes. Can you do it? I think many people would find their problem is right there in the mirror with them.

How closely one finds pain and peace. The truth will always come out. Smokescreens will fail. His face turns into hers, and her face turns into mine. We are all twisted and contorted from the discomfort of disillusionment. Past the angles of his cheeks, the color of his eyes, the turn of his lips, there is only dust. Cosmodust and ash, revolving around that center point of gravity. The resting place. What is that resting place? Is it you? Is it her? Is it God?

Can it hold to you? Will it remain when all else has failed?

Or will you dissolve into the ash?

I was lying in bed meditating last night. I love it when meditation is the last thing I do at night before sleeping. I love meditating until I fall asleep. Makes transition into sleep so beautiful!

Anyways, I was lost in a world of in-between states. I would think of things, and forget them almost instantaneously because I was so "in" it. After awhile of bliss, I suddenly got a strong surge of energy. With the energy, my third eye flew open...I could clearly see the ceiling above me, but my eyes were closed. It only lasted as long as the surge..no more than a few seconds it seemed.

But then, an image. An image of a man standing next to my bed, tucking me in. Only I was a small child. He lovingly wrapped an afghan around my body and walked towards the door. When he was at the door, I suddenly realized I was no longer a child and my awareness of present time kicked in. "Wait!" I said. He stopped and stood in the doorway, his back to me. He was tall and slender, wearing dresspants, a white dress shirt and a dark gray vest over his shirt. He had shoulder length straight brown hair. Though I couldn't see his face, I knew he was pale and I thought he had blue eyes. He didn't turn to face me.

It seemed he was sad. It felt like he'd been with me all my life. I asked, "Are you him?" even though I'm not entirely sure what that means. But then, another wave of energy came over me, lulling me into a deep sleep.

I wonder if I'll come across him again.

lifeblood of gaia

on friday, my roommate heather and i went to camp coldwater spring off 55. we filled our bottles with the fresh sacred water and walked around for awhile, enjoying the general beauty and splendor. a man came up to us. he told us stories about the history of the spring and the 4 sacred oak trees representing the cardinal directions that were cut down near there years before.

he told us that water was the lifeblood of mother earth. it sustains the earth as well as it sustains us. if we poison our own blood, we become sick. if we poison the blood of gaia, she will become sick as well. he had tremendous respect for the earth, and for all its inhabitants as well. he told us how he was angry with the white men after they cut down the sacred oak trees, but has since realized that each color of man brings with it many gifts, no one gift being more important than another. as he spoke, it rained on us, light and cool. i remember thinking how important this moment could be.

later, we walked around at minnehaha park. we watched the waterfall, and heather said "try watching a single drop go all the way down the waterfall. puts it into a different perspective." and it definitely did. it reminded me of the man's stories. we continued walking, and sat on a bridge over a river. we talked more about water being the lifeblood of gaia. there was a breeze that went through just then. it was very alive. it was recognition.

so here i am. i am no longer a prisoner to all my previous attachments. i am empty again, in the best way. i am learning things from nature and gaia and from friends and strangers. i am raw and learning again. and soon i will be traveling again, collecting lessons from the universe. this feels right. this feels free.