1:33pm

what is this strange day? this timelessness displayed in such neutral light and diffusion. this remarkable stillness, shrouded and disguised by the murmurs of the wind. a lady hummingbird floated mere inches from my face, staring straight into me with curiosity, her wings sounding like a storm thundering over a canyon. what was she thinking? what am i thinking? the cold is setting in this evening. 

patines of bright gold

the heat radiating from my shoulders is ceaseless. 

___________

there was this time when i ingested a particular something. in a particular somewhere. with a particular someone. 

paranoia first. nothing extravagant, but a growing fear of the darkness around me. ingest more. more paranoia. i tell myself that there is nothing to fear because i am everything around me. i free myself from myself. the shackles are removed in one swift motion, as a warm surge of light energy comes from the earth, travels up my spine and explodes out my head. there is tingling, and i am blinded by light. 

once again, i am shrouded in paranoia. my ingestion partner seems perfectly level headed, and suddenly i am convinced this was an evil plan to drug me and make me powerless and vulnerable. "Are you in on this?" i keep asking. "I don't know what you mean" is the reply i get. "Are you in on this?" i ask again and again. the entire world is visually altered.. only little pieces visible to me at times. mostly i exist in a world of thought forms now, made of light and shadow and sound vibrations.

then, i shoot back down into my body and physical awareness. i see the campfire in front of me. it is silent and i fidget. "Is there anything you didn't get that you want?" he asks. suddenly, i am a demon. a demon inhabiting this girls body, and he has figured it out and wants to exorcise me. i need to get away so i can remain in this body. "I want to lay down." i strangely say. but i don't.

another change. no longer a demon. now i am inside a golden triangle. everything i can see is inside this golden triangle. he is wandering about the campsite doing various things. sometimes he stops to say something to me but i can't understand, for i am too busy counting his eyes.. he has 8 now? i jump from thought form to thought form, diligently thinking. Ah ha! Suddenly! Enlightenment! i have figured out enlightenment. i walk towards him to tell him what it is, but then, the triangle flips over onto its side and everything jumbles, including the thought forms! oh shit. i have to figure out enlightenment all over again! i think and i think, and sometimes i get frustrated. when i get particularly frustrated, i look to my side to see buddha sitting there, laughing at me. in my mind he tells me not to take it so seriously. for the triangle will flip everytime i reach enlightenment. 

leaning on my car now. music playing from inside. the music feels. the vibration sounds. the woman singing holds emphasis on her S's, and the impression of a serpent dawns upon me. a particular vibration in the music pushes me away from the car. when i think i am about to fall to the ground, another vibration pulls me back, and i fall against the hood of the car. repeatx3. my body is at the mercy of the Ssssssssss. my limbs have become organic, fluid, and out of my control. 

i stand against my car still, knowing i am unable to keep my balance while at the mercy of the vibrations. my ingestion partner comes by to check on me.. but i am in another place. my body begins to shake and gyrate, as if a living serpent is inside of my belly. it becomes stronger. my neck twists as if there are no bones in it. my arms raise to the sky. the serpent shoots out my crown chakra, and i am lifted from the ground. i am a statue of a powerful goddess, with a serpent wrapped around her glorious body. the night sky is illuminated with a beautiful golden light.. shimmering golden light. there is a halo around the goddess's head. i am free. i am powerful. i am a woman i am a serpent. i am the goddess and the goddess is everything. there is a high wall made of gold next to me to my right, with beautiful colored carvings that light up. to my left, there is a cave with a fire inside. 

in the tent now. laying down. i stare at the ceiling of the tent. the dampness of the air enfolds me. i realize i am no longer in wisconsin. i am in australia. i am inside one of my dreams, and outside the tent i know that i am surrounded by tall grasses, fog, and animals. for some reason, many of my dreams take place in australia. 

i need grounding. i call out for alex. i find myself in a large lodge made of wood. it is native american in appearance. there are torches on the walls and it is empty. upon calling for alex again, i am placed in front of a totem of an owl. the totem houses and protects his spirit, but he is elsewhere. i am comforted and satisfied knowing the totem protects him. i ask if he is my soul mate, and i am told he is. i leave the lodge. 

i am back in my body in the tent. my ingestion partner and i embrace eachother. 

____________

my shoulders have cooled. 

blissful and devastating

i should really be writing more about my process. 

but most of the time i don't even know where to start or how to explain everything that is happening. 

it is beautiful. and terrible. blissful and devastating. i can feel the pieces of myself falling away. i can physically feel the fires eating away at my body and my mind. the fire is killing me. killing me so i can be rid of this (self). 

sometimes it's hard to tell whether i am crazy or not. i have been experiencing visions, lights, auras, energy surges and fits, fevers, pains, strong feelings of presences, some psychic occurrences. 

i don't know what i'm doing here. everything is all so unreal, maybe surreal. it all feels so different and bizarre. it's hard to keep my feet on the ground. alex is my pillar, and even that is blissful and devastating. 

ah. 

yes. 

Dear Universe,

what. the. fuck.

Divine, i am trying. i am trying so hard to keep the faith. i feel... so... lost. i don't understand what is happening. how am i in minnesota again? why have i come back when the reason i came back doesn't seem to care? my reason for coming back no longer wants me near and i feel imprisoned by circumstance. why have i been brought to this point of despair and suffering? did you not give me a renewed life? there is a lump in my throat that has been there for over a week now. i cannot communicate what i am feeling because i do not have a receptive audience. i am so repressed and stressed that my gums bleed because i have been grinding my teeth so much. my eyes sting from all the tears. i have made myself physically sick with grief on numerous occasions and no one even knows. i feel alone. and scared. 

Spirit, i am so scared. please help me. 

please... communicate with me somehow.. tell me what to do. 

have i lost it all as soon as i have gained it? have i been abandoned by the throes of love again? i need someone. something. i need to not feel this suffering. i know that this is suppose to be the hardest cycle of my kundalini transformation, but i don't think i can do it alone. i don't know what to do. i don't know where to go. the pain is starting again. 

i am sending this prayer into the universe. someone please hear it.  someone please help me. someone please comfort me. 

i want you. i seek you. i crave you.

(from 07/19/09)

I want you the way a child wants a cardboard box.

Toys of lights and sounds no longer amuse me

As they stop listening to me

Once their sirens sing.

I push their buttons and they scream back at me,

Without understanding why I pushed them at all.

But O, my love, to make a home of you.

To scribble loving words on your walls

With crayons that smell like lavender and pine

Knowing you will not scrub them clean.

To open your cardboard folds like arms,

And crawl inside like I crawl back into the womb.

Carrying my ringlets and my dolls,

To the warm all-encompassing cave

where you hide us and protect us from

The dark wintry city of men outside.

And love and embrace us, as we love and embrace you.

I seek you the way a seagull seeks the breeze.

I can fly easily enough on the air of stillness,

Flapping my wings vigorously

To keep myself high above the sea

But sooner than later I tire

And my wings beat with the soreness of

Lonely repetitive muscles

As I slowly fall to the depths

Dependent and failing on myself

And my persistence to live.

But O, my love, to ride on your gale,

Your cool breath caressing my weary feathers,

Easing my tension as I soar

through waves that can be identified

as neither wind nor water.

But waves of what is and what was

Into waves of what bird and sky could be.

I crave you the way a young woman craves her first glass of wine.

I could lay my unsoiled head on my pillow

Under the sober light of the moon

And stay warm enough with the blankets

Wrapped around my coiled chilled body

But such is a warmth that remains on the outside

A place I no longer wish to be.

But O, my love, to sip from your cup,

To feel your liquid heat

Passing through my buzzing lips

Tender gates that can be opened only once

As soon the sensuous dam gives way.

An inner heat rising from my stirring womb

You caress my cheeks

Warm, flushed with pink.

Softly my head swims

With a dizziness so delightful

I lose all sense of being

Of doing, of seeing, 

And I willingly fall into you

Like a mad fever.