first stranger connection - check!

the second day in salt lake, a few of us walked to this really cool coffeeshop called alchemy. there, we met the barista working, named paul. shelley and derek, the people we were staying with, knew him. when being introduced, our eyes connected for a moment and i saw a flicker of light. now that i think about it, i really did visually see it. at that moment, i knew our spirits were somehow connected on another plane. we didn't talk then at all though. when i walked out of the coffeeshop, however, i noticed that i felt like i was rolling. the energy from my heart chakra up to my crown chakra was absolutely radiant.. i felt like i was 7 feet tall. i knew that it was his own energy that i had picked up. 

as fate would have it, shelley and derek were having a little party that evening and had invited him. this was his first time coming over to their house ironically. when he showed up, i eventually got around to talking to him. since i partially already knew him (and since i had a little whiskey in my belly) it was easy to arrive at a spiritual point in the conversation. turns out he has traveled the world learning from various spiritual peoples, he is a reiki healer, he was given a spiritual name at a young age (this name being shiva), and practices native american spiritual disciplines as well. 

when he overheard me saying my back was hurting, he offered to do some healing therapy on it. i agreed wholeheartedly. during this process..

"you are very loved."

"by who? the universe?"

"yeah by the universe." 

"i hope so. i'm experiencing some fear in that department."

i later asked him how important he thought it was to have a spiritual mentor. (this has been a burning question for me in the past few months.) he told me that everyone i ever knew and will know are my spiritual mentors, and it's up to me to decide how much i want to take from each person. this both frustrated me and put me at ease. i feel like i should have a mentor to direct my spiritual development in the right way. but while looking up at the stars that night, i remember thinking, the only relationship that really matters is the one that the Divine and i share. no one could possibly truly understand the depth since it's such an intimate, unspoken thing. 

"what are you looking for in a spiritual mentor?"

hesitation.

"confirmation? recognition?"

i nod.

"you are doing great things in your life." 

as a sort of goodbye, we put our third eyes together and experienced an amazing magnetism and energy. we thanked eachother. 

demons and visions

i am in the middle of the roadtrip from portland to new mexico. right now we're staying at some friends of laaz and cody's in salt lake city.

i have experienced so many varying emotions and moods since i have been gone that it's almost ridiculous. i've gone from being completely amazed and infused with love by the new surroundings, to panicking and wondering where i am and missing alex horribly. i don't think i've ever had to make such a huge adjustment before, so it's pretty normal, but i'm still really working on meditation and visualization to put me at ease. there have been moments where i fear the universe and its plan for me... which is the worst thing i could do. so i need to merge myself back into the tao without fear and with an open heart.

i had a few nights where i had my familiar demon dreams again. one of the mornings, i woke up with a ton of scratches on my chest (right at the door of my heart chakra) and even some on my legs, stomach, and face. i think that they are attacking me in my vulnerability.. in being away from who i love, and are trying to feed me fear. after talking about it with alex, i think it may have stopped. last night my dreams were demonfree.

something very strange happened two days ago.. i was meditating, working on a "hear your inner voice" visualization.. i was visualizing a green garden filled with pink light and rose quartz crystals all over the ground. but suddenly, i was given an entirely different vision... it was twilight.. right when the sun sinks below the horizon and the sky is mostly dark blue with hints of orange and pink near the bottom. it was in the desert. there was a small cliff wall to the left, and the rest of the space was desert sand. however, there were large animal bones scattered in the sand, along with a few rocks. there was a woman standing on one of these rocks... she wore this white dress that really just looked like a silk sheet torn and wrapped around her body. she had shoulder length dark hair. she was tall and curvy but slender. she looked both powerful and delicate; gentle and menacing. she was staring at me, though i couldn't make out her facial features. and her arm was outstretched, pointing to something on the right. before i could tell what she was pointing to, someone spoke to me and my concentration was broken.

my owl my love

6/8/09 dreams:

there was a small group of people crouched on the ground outside. i went to see what was going on... there was a big beautiful owl sitting on the ground and everyone was trying to get a look. i also crouched down to see it.

then the owl took off, but landed, perched on my shoulder. we seemed to bond for a few moments. then he sat on the ground right in front of me, and nuzzled up into my arms. we were loving eachother. then he perched up on my shoulder again, trying to express his love by nuzzling my neck and my head and my shoulder and my back. while he was trying to do this, his talons were digging into my skin. it was incredibly painful. the way he was trying to love me was causing me pain. i wanted to stay and bond with the owl, but i was bleeding and hurting so i had to get away. when i distanced myself from the owl, he became mad, as if he was angry i wasn't loving him. so then he wanted to attack me. it hurt me that this was happening but i went and hid in my room.

a while later, my door was pushed open by two tiny little animals. they were the owls babies.. but he had cross-breeded with either a rabbit or a fox and these two little animals were the result. they were so cute and i loved them so much, that when the owl came in next, i welcomed him in.

arwen's song

with a sigh

you turn away

with a deepening heart

no words to say

you will find

that the world has changed forever

the trees are now turning from green to gold

and the sun is now fading

i wish i could hold you closer