theredglow:(from the dreambank)

one of the books i bought the other day is a book entitled "signs symbols and omens" and contains illustrations and descriptions of all kinds of spiritual symbolism. while looking through this book, i stumbled across the seal of saturn. (for image of seal go here: http://www.renaissanceastrology.com/images/saturnseal.gif)

in early february of 2006 i unknowingly dreamt of the seal of saturn and blogged about it. at the time, i thought the seal was something my mind conjured up on its own. only now am i discovering its meaning, and the dreams meaning. i am copying the entry below: 

"i cannot stand a room lit by fluorescence. this hatred of fluorescent lights runs so deep that my dorm room is filled with various lamps and lightbulbs and strings of colored lights around my lofted, canopied bed. i aggressively strung up my latest buy--large faceted red lights-- breaking two of the fragile bulbs in the process. One shattered as I was climbing up to my bed, forcing me to re-string the lights so they would form a zig-zag pattern under the bed and away from danger. I put nine small red paper lanterns on nine randomly chosen bulbs, four of which ended up on the zig-zag portion.

 

alex and i were sitting in our room, casually on our computers, when two unexpected visitors came to our door. they were solemn men, one in his late thirties and the other no older than twenty. the younger of the two remained silent and withdrawn as the first spoke. he expressed a problem. he was afraid. he was afraid for the boy next to him, for the tragic boy was becoming possessed by a demon. they were told that we could help him and that we were able to perform exorcisms. this of course not being true, we expressed our sorrows for the boy but turned both away.

 

something was happening. some sort of unnoticed coincident was filling alex and me with fear. the kind of fear that chokes your breath and turns your stomach. i felt presences around me; i was compelled to page through this large book i kept underneath my desk. it was a holy book, containing secrets of demonology, the darker side of christianity and the occult. i flipped through pages until i landed on a familiar pattern printed on the page. it consisted of zig-zagging lines and four lantern-shaped nodules on various parts of the lines.  somehow, unknowingly, i had constructed an ancient, magickal doorway to the astral plane with my red lights. this pattern was calling upon demons.

 

the moment i closed the book, there were more visitors. it was the same two as before, plus another. the boy was shorter than the others, and his face had now turned a crimson shade of red. his hair was stringy, and his features had all been smushed together, as if the hands of god had pinched parts of his face, molding him like clay into a soft, pliable lump of flesh. the other two had no faces at all. they were blank, with no features whatsoever. the empty voids were a pale and sickly shade of white against their trim black clothes. i knew now that they had all been possessed, but the boy was the worst. he was twisted and horrible and made me want to vomit from disgust and fear combined. so afraid. so afraid.

 

my eyes shot open from the horrible dream. the first thing that came into view was the string of lights above my head. i wanted to cry. the sound of the tv then came into notice, and i remembered i had fallen asleep on the mattress under my bed while watching late-night cartoons. i rolled over onto my side and threw the blanket over my head to forget the ominous red glow above me."

weird but else what weird

what is this veil? 

this strange awareness. 

these persistent butterflies. always at night. 

the beginning of the end and vice versa. 

an intense and sudden urge to dive into the flutter of pages. the urge to prepare. 

the young human self realized it was just a small and meager part of a string of past and present and future selves. 

and now the urge to cleanse the string of the broken human self with all its repressions and projections and coping mechanisms and socially induced mindsets. 

the uncovering of many secrets is to follow. and mark my words, it will happen fast. and we will be alive to see it.

weird. what else but weird at this stage. 

the silver netting

pick a spot on a wall or a ceiling and fix your eyes on it. stare at it until you let it become blurry. 

out of the blur you'll begin to see millions of tiny silver lines shooting across your vision. i don't mean the fluorescent floaters you see in your eyes; look past those. look for those tiny little strands of silver. they almost look like shooting stars, lighting up briefly with a dimmer light trailing behind. 

notice how they are moving in every direction at the same time. notice how they are both fast and slow. notice how they make an infinite, moving, flexible netting that covers everything. it's like the blanket theory. everything in this netting, although different, is the same. all of us are wrapped in it as it flows through and around us. we are consistently a part of this flow of energy.

we are kinetic beings. our particles are always moving, and there is power in knowing that. because we know that for every action there is a reaction, we can consciously participate in the movements of our own energies and thus cause foreseeable and predictable results.  to remain ignorant of this is to remain powerless. 

"See where your own energy wants to go, not where you think it should go. Do something because it feels right, not because it makes sense. Follow the spiritual impulse." --Mary Hayes-Grieco

entry:one:thebeginning

i am horrible at journaling. there are crumpled pieces of paper and barely-filled notebooks with scribbles of poetry and prose and theory and dreams scattered everywhere in my physical space. but as i begin to realize the importance of the journey ahead, i know i need to start taking notes.

everything i write here will be painfully honest, albeit pretty random and possibly tangled in vague metaphors i'm sure. and so this is the first entry. this is when the cycle reset. 

a few months ago it so happened that the melancholy took me over. utterly and completely. i let the wall that is my psychological warrior crumble to the ground. from the other side of the wall, a great dark beast lunged towards me. i let it toss me into the air with its horns, tearing into my flesh and sending pieces of me everywhere. i stopped fighting for the very first time in my life and let it rip me apart. i smiled into the pain and landed on the back of the beast. i rode it into a deep spiral of black until i found myself alone, bleeding, and numb, lying on the bottom. that had never been my intention. somehow the imbalance became so prevalent that it took on actions of its own.  and though it was bleak and dark, it was soft and comforting. it was the feeling of the end. i thought i had given up. 

i stayed there for weeks. observing. waiting. waiting to die. or heal. i wasn't sure, but i did nothing. and then i got up. not out of will or of hope, but out of curiosity. and something amazing happened. 

i felt. i understood. i realized. i just knew. it all seemed different.

i feel as though i just woke up again. spiritually, psychologically, magickally. it's as if the beast that essentially killed me also inadvertently pushed the reset button inside of me. my priorities have altered dramatically. my goals have changed. i watch as the career goal i've been planning for the past few years disintegrates in front of my eyes. i have more important things to do right now. 

the voices of the universe are much louder than before. i feel inhabited by them in a very healthy connected way. the way i see everything has been amplified. i am seeing and feeling and reading energies more naturally and more easily than before. i am sensing spirits more accurately. i have a growing detachment to my material things. unhealthy sexual cravings have substantially subsided. alcohol doesn't taste the same. 

the best realization: by allowing the beast i have been fighting for years to violate me freely, i have accidentally come to individually understand one of the two most important concepts in my taoist belief system: wu-wei. (action through inaction.) i believe that by experiencing this concept, i have been granted a small measure of spiritual access. 

as i close this first entry, this longwinded introductory backstory piece, i get ready to graduate college in a few weeks. and in the end of june, i will be traveling west to portland to meet up with a friend of mine. i will be doing some traveling with him and his friends. we'll be writing and playing music together. this opportunity has come at such an appropriate time that it can be nothing short of synchronicity.