my dreams are beginning to appear as abstractions rather than situations and symbols. most of the 'regular' dreams i'm having are ones that bring my insecurities to the surface, as if my mind is not letting me repress my fears any longer, and forcing me to deal with them head on. a few symbolic dreams remain, most of those involving strange pregnancies or tornadoes.
but the abstractions hit harder. i wake up, knowing i am bathed in light of certain colors or emotions. i dream of light. some nights i dream i am resting in a pool of warm golden light. other nights it is a cooler blue. a few times it has been black; just black all around me, and i am filled with an overwhelming feeling of aloneness. when the black ones started, i would wake up suddenly, gasping, as the absolute darkness frightened me. but now i just let myself exist in it.
waves and wisps of light continue traveling across my awareness in both sleep and wakefulness. this light is usually white or violet, but other colors at times. lately, i have been seeing more gold and green than usual. other times, there are little sparkles of stars, usually white or blue or violet.
when i close my eyes, i see a violet sphere, appearing to come out of my third eye. sometimes it's blue, sometimes it's gold, but most of the time it remains violet. it recedes from my forehead as if it is being sent into the world outside myself. at times i see it when my eyes are still open. i read that this is often called "The Blue Pearl" and is a symbol of awakened Kundalini and enlightenment. when you see it, you are said to see your soul and every infinite source within it. though i can't yet explain its significance to myself, i do admit that it gives me a fleeting feeling of "HOME" when i see it.
the ringing in my ears has become more like the sound of rain in my head. when i'm in that stage between sleep and wakefulness, i hear more elaborate sounds, like bells ringing or whispers. the bells have woken me up many times, and sometimes the whispers do. i remember one time when i woke up to a very loud voice whispering "Fine!" it sounded very annoyed with me... probably because i couldn't hear it before that moment.
my identity falls further and further into abstraction. it becomes harder and harder to relate to the experiences of my past, and the person i was. it's harder to relate to my family and friends now, also.. they seem removed from me somehow. like our bond is no longer the same.
perhaps it's the possibility that "I" am not who "I" was before. months ago, i was bargaining with my life. i gave my full surrender and submission. and i'm not sure what suddenly changed inside me, for i didn't consciously feel the switch flip inside. did "I" actually die that melancholic month? did someone else, a different soul, the new "I", walk in? making part of this confusion, this separation, part of the integration process of this new soul? that makes me question myself, and who "I" am. it makes me realize that "I" is simply a concept for the physical body, and has little relevance to the soul itself. how could that sad girl be receiving all these spiritual gifts? she condemned all the world and its inhabitants for her years of suffering...she hardly seems the right candidate for the tools to spiritual fulfillment. how could these things be happening if someone more deserving hadn't stepped in to take her place? i look around my room at all my stuff, and it feels like "her" room and "her" stuff. i can feel her energy, separate from mine. it feels sad and lonely. i feel sad for her.
i am looking into reiki training classes. i have been called as a lightworker, i already know that. inside, i question whether reiki is the right modality for me though. reiki hasn't clicked in my intuition yet, and that worries me.
